All that you wanted to know

It Is All I Ever Wanted To Say.... :)

"So when did you land?", he asked, wiping off the sweat on his forehead.

" Two days ago, for ten days", I said panting for breath. "Water,please"

"You have become more lazy with time. Here" he said, I barely saved myself from getting hit on the face. "Run quick"

I nodded and tried to follow his pace. He was too fast, I was finding it too difficult to even move ahead.

I shouted "Time out bro!", and sat on the bench.

He gave me a 'Are you serious' look, but seeing me he probably realised there was no way I was going to get up in a while now.

After ten minutes of silence and looking around, he finally started 'the talk'.

'So what is happening in your life?'

I started at him, sighed out loud and closed my eyes, trying to focus where to start it from.

I could tell him the good things, make it sound like everything is okay. I could let my guard down and speak, if he doesnt understand then who will.

 He nudged me. ' If that battle is over, do I get to hear something?' he winked.

I smiled. He knew, of course he would. He always knew. That is why he exactly becomes the super protective, caring brother.

 'I probably blurted out the wrong thing again'. I looked down sheepishly.

He laughed, ' You travelled half way across the world, met so many people, did so many new things, and we are speaking ummm' he looked at his watch, 'Let me say roughly after 2 years and you still start with a wrong thing you did.'

I smiled, I remembered how it was two years ago. I still was going through a lot. He made it all look easy. He said that everything would be okay. He pushed me ahead, when I wasnt willing to move.
And everything was better. Than what it was two years ago.

Except that I found new ways to make my life a mess. I am a self proclaimed expert at this. Seriously.

'Did you speak to him?' he gently asked.
I gave an affirmative nod.
'He didnt respond, like no replies at all?'
I gestured a no.
' So he is still speaking to you?'
I gave another affirmative nod.

I dont know why I was tongue tied. I knew he would guess it as a 'he', a 'he' that I never spoke to him about. A 'he' I didnt have crush or stalked like crazy, but probably had begun liking a bit, a bit more than what I initially planned to do.
And it hurt.

 'So it isnt the classic case of you being hurt and wondering why someone is not responding to your talks?'
'No'
He stretched a little bit and I could see the worry lines on his forehead. He cautiously asked,
"Did someone hurt you again?"
A chill ran down my spine, I knew the last time this happened.  I knew how angry he had been for me: cruising down a lane, that had 'trouble' signed up all along.

I quickly cleared my head and said out triumphantly "No".

I could sense his immediate relief by my side. He slouched on the bench and said, "So whatever is the issue, Ill call it as false alarm in my world, or.."
I piped up curiously, "Or?"

He looked at me and said in a very clear voice - "You are overthinking and ruining it all up, Classic issues, you know."

I felt the lump in my throat suddenly dissolve and finally managed to speak, " I am not overthinking, its just that I.. "

I stopped, God, why dont all the right words come, when you need them.

 "You love him, have a crush?" he tried to fill in.
I sat up, it wasnt making any sense to him.

"I got feedback, negative feedback."

He gave a half amused look. "Negative feedback? Thats what happened?"

I nodded in affirmation. Where are all the words when you need them dear God!

He chuckled , "Shall we?" he said slowly jogging.
I dug my head amidst my knees, took a deep breath and jogged along.

It was silence for a while, after which I spoke "Dont you want to know what it was about or who?"
"Does it even matter? From what I can see its someone who hasnt known you long enough to judge and honestly." He panted for breath
"Honestly?" I piped along curiously.

The sunset was breath taking, the whole place seemed to light up from the ambience of the evening rays. I could feel the warmth reflect on our faces, with such a bliss of optimism.

I smiled. "So, honestly?"

"This would be brotherly word and you should know I hate doing this." I knew words of wisdom would follow this statement. I smiled, motioned him to carry on.

"Each of us no matter how old we are, are bound to meet new people. For instance you are 25 years old, you will definetly have 25 years of memories - some good, some bad, some worrying, some embarrasing : But altogether thats your trot till today. In the 25 years of your life, there might have been a zillion small incidents, that moulded you the way you are today. People who call someone too social today, wouldnt know a phase when they chose to dwell in silence, You change. You change for good. You change for bad. You change because of the things that happen to you, the people you meet and the choices you make."

I dared not to interrupt, but when he paused, I quipped : "The point?"

He patted on my head, I smiled, That was a 'my good girl' pat that I used to get as a kid. I had that same sheepish smile.

"The point, my dear, is to get new perspectives from new people in your world- Assess them and if you feel they are right: change- Else discard. You do not have to justify to the person who gave it. He judged based on a day or a week of interaction with you , and my dear you have got to realise that passing judgements is easier. Creating barriers to stop it from getting to you is a challenge. You have got to realise that no matter how much you care for a few people, they can be blunt with what they think is right, Am I right?"

I scratched my head, it seemed to make sense. Whatever he spoke, wasnt something I didnt know. I just needed someone to tell me all of this. Out loud and damn clear.
" Am I right?" He questioned again, seeing me look lost.

"Yes you absolutely are, as always", I finished.

"So the issue isnt the person, it is you. Stop painting people the way you see in your head, the colors fade fast. And dont let everyone affect you."

"The problem is just that I think I give way too much space for people way too quickly."

He quickly interrupted. "Which is correct, since you never used to." I could see him tighten his fist. The last thing I wanted at that moment was him to go down the memory lane and pick up the shambled and weak image of mine, which both of us loathe to recollect. I touched his shoulder and could sense him easing a bit. "You never used to, since your trust was broken. I know this. I know what you have been through. I told you let your guard down and trust people, Still hit the fine balance. Dont let everyone stamp over you."

I hid my face - "I'm a mess."

He chuckled "We all are to be honest. You are acting on way better on it, than any of us. I can tell because I have seen your short tempered phase. Had it been three years ago, the guy would have got some bones broken for giving any kind of feedback." He laughed and I joined along. How does time change one so much!! A rebel to weakling to a sane person.

 "And how come my negative feedbacks arent taken seriously?" He winked, giving me a playful punch.

"Negative feedback? Really?" I said pushing him away. We laughed.
"The world would be such a better place with less judgemental people, I see it now."
He smiled.
"Less judgement and more compassion".

"Right to compassion! " A Hi-5 and we were back on the jogging trail.


- Sti

 Twenty years from now, do not regret the only twenty minutes you got to spend with a person, and you ended up hurting them like twenty thousand times. If the paths are going to cross only for a fleeting phase, try to make the best moments instead of being judgemental. 

One day it will all make sense, they said.

I didnt publish for long, I had a lot in drafts though. I didnt know if I was heading right. I didnt know where my choices would lead, or may be it was just me who wasnt confident about self. I just couldnt pull out of things. You could say health, finance, what I actually wanted to do, relationships, places, people, perspectives, and one last thing Passion.

I dont know how often people do find this, and how they do. Didnt know how much I was into automotive, until I stepped into it. Was it the daredevil attitude? Was it the glow in my eyes when I saw them rolling down the road? Was it some weird challenge of being a lady mechanical engineer that took shape into the journey of my life? I dont know.

All I know was that way down the lane, there was this girl who liked hot wheels more than barbie dolls. At the age of 4 to 6, she spent her weekends playing around with gears in automotive workshop. (Thanks to you grandpa, I know you arent around, Trust me I miss you as much as I never imagined I would. All I want to tell you is that I admired you. Thank you for showing me where I belonged.) At the age of  16, it was decided- Mechanical engineering.

I dont know, does it happen only in love that you dote on someone, they end up becoming yours? It happened to me with engineering. I cant tell you how happy I am. I really cant, every minute of my life is like the dream I dreamt when I won the concept car challenge. I am touching Jaguar cars. They exist you know, they are like this real long shiny ones. I  see  parking lots full of chevys, BMW's and Volvos. I can touch them. It's not a dream! I take a stroll down at work, I can hear my heart beats pump up,when I hear those engines vroom around. Can it actually happen so?

I think the best part about my life is that even if I end up working 20 years in this field, I would still have the childish grin whenever I hear the engine roar. Probably thats why they say first love, never dies!

M not even sure what point Im driving home now- But if you have got no one to be passionate about or no passion to work on- I guess I pity you. Life is just not worth living in such a way.

All the struggles would make sense. They make sense now. I had to work for 20 hrs in between Jaguar and Dominoes at a phase of my life. As such one day during a call at Jaguar, I took it up saying 'Thank you for choosing dominos' and I cried hard. Its not the dual kind of role I had ever imagined to play, but it was essential. But I guess it all makes sense now. Every little thing.

So if you are just going through that phase where you are like, am I going to be okay? Trust me, you will be. They say that the only hands that are ever going to help you are at the end of your own arms. I would say the only light that would wade you through all darkness, is that eternity where you live your dream. So simply dream on. Your passion will propel you home. Nothing else is needed. Absolutely nothing.

Nth hour of randomness,
Love,
Sti
Automotive Engineer.


'Hey so you are the love, that they all long for'
The lonely saunterer's soul yelled out
At the little red bubble that flew by.

Yes, I'd say, but you need to believe,
For half of your kind thinks I'm hard to find,
The bestowed ones fathom trouble to bind

The paces of the former quickened, beats pulsed,
'So you hold the key to my happiness?'
The eyes surged ahead explicit with all plight.

Love laughed, as the silent path lit up with sound
'The mystic sketches etched in your head
Long for those, which shan't be yours, until bled.'

Comprehending in confusion, the former trodded.
'So pain is a part of the plan?', the saunterer quipped.
Eyes lit up 'And tomorrow isnt a wonderland?'

Love silenced, for it never does sway.
'I never said I had the key to things you pray.'
'I never said you could find me if you stray.'

The saunterer puzzled in convalescence,
'But looking to love, and hoping to find,
Isn't that the one that lights up my kind?'

Love sighed at the mundane hearsay,
'Why does your kind forget that life is a sail
And not a harbour.'

Saunterer quipped, 'Love isnt a anchor, then?'

Love fluttered 'Aint an anchor, but the wave,
To surge and ebb is the way I behave.
Sometimes I bind and charm,
Other times I elude and alarm.'

Saunterer settled, 'So finding you isnt the plan.'
'Nay, discovering yourself is, I am an illusion
along the path, ' Love fancied in delight.

'Calm oceans channelize rough streams.
'I need peace'-your kind do scream.'
'But few of you are meant to be able,
end up believing you are feeble.'

The saunterer soared in speculation.
'You struggle, You triumph, You fight.
Yet you dont give up all along the plight.
Life is led by the above norms.
And love isnt a birdsong.'

'You know where you belong
Yet you fight to hold or move on,
Love isnt the end, just a song,
That would just rhyme along.'

'Gloat in jubilance and sing thy rhyme,
So that souls would clasp in your chime.
Thy happiness reflects as your vibes,
And hence, will attract your tribe.'

 'What you search outside, you find in self,
Often what promises forever, dwells in solitude,
Your expedition is far, long and daunting,
Worry is not where you want to be heading.'

The saunterer saw as the bubble flew high,
And disappeared in an empty bluish sky,'
Smiling, 'As hard as we may deny,
The facts that we move away and astray,
are the ones that really need to glorify.'

Thus whistling he went by ahead,
To the wonderland that he saw spread :)

-Sti

What matters is the journey, not the destination.



And then you see that, just like when the morning sun starts pouring down your usual joggers trek. The journey seems dull and lifeless at the start, with darkness all around and your unwillingness to move. Then you begin to step ahead, you feel better; take a few steps more you feel like you can survive. Then just when you are about to give up saying that this normalcy is going to depress the days ahead and no hope remains- It happens. Just like the rising sun slows erases the darkness whilst the dawn, happiness blooms in your life. You take a step ahead thinking, Hmm- Lets see if it gets better. Then more happiness. Then as you get mesmerised by the slow changes, you suddenly realise that how darkness has completely vanished and the reddish orange sun is blazing in all its glory.


The same color reflects on the facial blush, as the smile grew from one ear to another. There is no ecstatic feeling than the realisation that you are happy without the one thing that you longed for. The smiles become frequent, the blush roots deeper. There is always a little kid in us, nomatter-how-old-you-get.24-it-makes-you-behave like you like 2 and 4. 26 makes you behave like 2 and 6. One longs for that fleeting happiness, no matter where it resides, those laughters that echo through the green meadows, those hushes and whisphers that remind us of the chime of the waves, the silence that traverses through the wood, the fresh chirp of the birds and the faint gloat of fog. 


And then, there are those days when you felt you never have to dream, because this is what reality is all about, its about pain. Then you find the little reason to get the upward curve.


Love.


Affection in any of the form is very subtle, before you know it creates ripples around. And love that blooms through hatred is unique of its kind. Its like you already have a million reasons why the person annoys the hell out of your life. The voice that echoes through the entire chamber, per contra never speak a word to you. If affectionate stares could kill, we’d all be dead someday. The feeling of jealousy that rages ahead, as random strangers kindle conversations and strike bonds, even as these star-crossed lovers seek solace in silence. If words could explain the depths they feel for each other, I think even they would fall short apart. The casual stares, unexplained gestures, silent winks, meant apologies, subtle ignorance, unexplained care, meeting gazes and fleeting paces in the walks of life- This probably is the most beautiful phase of any relationship.


There ideally is never a may I? Should I? Is this right phase?- in the utmost form of love. You fall knowing its meant to be. Even when it walks backward, you bring it back on track. You fight for the things that you love. Nothing comes easy. 


Not even the destination as you jog. You long for light, then the heat turns up. You begin to jog harder. The light that you wished for in the life begins to cause annoyance that you wish it was dark. One can never fathom the whims and fancies of the human mind. Always longing for the one that it shan’t have. I need light. I need dark. No, I need light. Well dark seems better. Whatever it is light or dark, one never gets to quit moving. 


And one shouldn’t either. This is the palette of our life. There are shades of grey and shades of blue too. Someday you bask in sunshine, sometimes you dwindle in moonlight, whatever it might be fight for all the things you need with all your might.


It is very important for us to realize if we are in love with the person, the idea of love overall or in love with the mirage that we have etched in our hearts. Most of us aren’t sure if we really need the one thing that we are chasing about or fighting for. The fluttering of hearts and enchantingly complaining lips would mute if you aren’t sure if this is what its supposed to be like. As heart breaking it is, its important to realize that something’s aren’t meant to be and something’s are. Let go of those who don’t belong to you.


Ironically, hold on tight to those who do. One spends traversing many miles wondering if they should or not. You don’t find love. It finds you. And when it does, you need to let it take over your life. One step can lead to many wonders. But the willingness to soar ahead with someone should glorify the path.


Lastly, past weighs in all of our life. We all have a emotional baggage that we are never willing to unpack. The rash decisions that we took, the expectations that gloomed into disappointments, the care that was taken as trouble, the emotional shatters and everything. One can never format and restart the life. One shouldn’t as well, the pain moulds us into the right forms. The least one can do is, when someone is willing to walk along, take their hand and move ahead. Brooding over pain and spreading hatred isn’t the way one should lead the life. You end up being that one person whom you hated all long.


Because you never know when subconsciously treat someone the way you never wanted to be treated. 


Because you never know, when you will become that devil, that you always warned others of. The devil that remained aloof to other’s emotions. 


Half way through, reigning in togetherness, the journey renews. Doesn’t matter whether its dawn or dusk, the togetherness will always bloom. In darker days, world lights up in smiles. In sunny days, the blush casts a shade of sky.


The illusion of destinations might seem beautiful, but how good is it if its sans love. Sometimes the triumph of eternal love doesn’t begin with the cupid’s arrow. It begins with hi and hello.


Lastly, Love the heart that hurts you, don’t hurt the heart that loves you. 


Love,


Sti :)


Mesmerised by the moves of the world!

Now not that I didn’t get adisclaimer about all this, as I entered the 23-25 age group. Being a girl,minus any relationship/boyfriend worth fighting for, is like a challenge in itself I guess.  The word better put- Arranged marriage.
Don’t get me wrong- I am not withfancy notions saying that how can a person in this century go for somethinglike arranged marriage- A guy chosen by parents? Sleeping with stranger?No.Arranged marriages are fine too. Some of us are probably meant to meet thatway. And as far as I see, they end up living without killing each other for awhile too. So, its okay. Oh and by the way, the fact is if you could havesearched and found a better person. But most of us are useless when it comes tothat- some of us are bad guy magnets, some guys are all about straightenedhairs and fair faces – You know what I mean. Some of us wouldn’t take the firststep at all. There are all categories of us in this weird world. In our heads,we may have been married like ten years ago, or picturising a life forty yearsfrom now on, but zooming out of all that the fact is today you are single.
By now, a few of would probablygrasping the essence of where I am trying to head. Like my mom for instancedreams of my marriage every single day, the only thing is that when it is timeto see the face of the guy, she ends up waking up. “Just miss, agar paanchminute aur hota toh aaj pata chal jaata kaun who insaan hai”. If you have heardthis dialogue (or any of this similar conversation at home), then my dear thestorm is heading your way too.
It isnt again a storm, more likea shower, if you look good. It all starts there. Now again, the conventionswith arranged marriage havent changed much, have they? If there is one thingthat I really feel like complaining to God (except the manufacturing defects insome people), is that the bad things that people have are shown at the firstinstance one sees them, why is the goodness hidden so deep in? The crookedteeth, geeky glasses, funny walk, scanty hair, pimple face, fat face, darkface, awkward teeth and what not? If you think you look ok, just walk by nearcosmetic section in any shopping mall, in nano seconds they’ll tell everything that’swrong in your face. Right from you know, your nose looks like a nose, tilleverything!! Wonder how their recruitment is done, what do they test! Anyways, Idon’t understand the way the girl’s family looks skeptically at the guy andvice versa. Not like everyone in your family except the one who is going tocome in now, look like Calvin-Klein models? I cant see that anyway
People being at their personalbest on that one day, amazes me. You are human, so am I. I am going to beabsolutely horrible most of the time after a while. I am going to complain, cryand hurt you more than you ever imagined. That’s what love does. Not beingsaddistic, but eventually you are going to rough days.  If you are destined to then, you fall in love,fight in the right battle.
There is another perception overhere. For any kind of love, for that matter. You sometimes aren’t in love, evenif you think so. Not let me correct myself, you don’t fall in love with person,you fall in love with the image of this person in your head. We all grew uplearning the wrong Math, 4.52345 doesn’t become 5 after severe rounding up.Zoom in, it still would be 4.52345. No matter how much compare her with theimage in your head and convince it’s the same, the gap would glow eventually. Thatis what I jovially tell my friends as ROR phase- Realisation of Reality :P,followed by ROR again- Reminder of Reality. The people who fall in love withthe image in their head and not the person, are visually challenged. Andmentally too, to be brutally honest. They simply cant sense what the realityis. Like for instance, the girl might have told at the start that she is notgoing to go ahead with it if her parents don’t accept, you listen record anddump it in the back of you head. The part where she said ‘I love you’, echoes24*7 doesn’t it though. Eventually when she moves on, you end up saying shecheated on you. My dear one, even TV AD’s have got a *Disclaimer on the bottom. Read it, or elsesomeday they will own your house. :D Saddest part is this causes catastrophicdamage, post breakup.
You know when first google talkwas introduced; I for once found it very stupid. First you need to know theE-mail id of the person you need to speak to, then you need to send them arequest, then they need to come online, they need to accept it. As if all thisnot enough, both of you need to be online at the same time to speak. To me, thatmeant minimising roadrash, getting an internet connection, sitting and staringat the stupid icon to turn green. Theoretically, I thought the probability of twopeople being online at the same time was very very low. Now I understand why Iam single :P Anyways, looking at my FB chat list today, I am the idiot. I amjust thinking, if the probablity of somechat can be this good so quickly, then probably connecting to your destined oneis probably improving. For a few of us, its at snails pace, but still progressis progress!! :D
All I want to wind up saying isthat all of us have our insecurities, some large, some small, some prettyevident, some ambiguous. I know what mine are, you know what yours is. In yourquest to find love via arranged marriage, don’t end up rejecting people citingtheir insecurities. You are killing someone alive. People wont forget what yousaid and how it made them feel. Never. Such thoughts hover around likenightmares. Say no diligently, agreed that you don’t have to be nice to anyone.But if five minutes or half a day is how long your paths are interwined, thentread either with love or silence. Don’t brew hatred. And to all my dearfriends, you don’t have to change yourself a bit. We all have flaws in and out,that’s what makes us unique. No guy can format your nature keeping looks asconstant, or vice versa. 
You don’t fall in love with someones looks, you fallin love with their thoughts, the way their face lights up in happiness or theway they smile as they dance or their brains. Not just looks.
To the dearest ones, who all havetheir big days lined up, even if any guy says no, I will always be around, I promise. Crookedteeth smiles are always good for selfies and fat people are great to hug! :)
Love,
Sti :)

Could traces of delight draw lines of empathy, I wonder. 

Basking down the dim-lit lane, flashes of light brought in fleeting memories as well. Sometimes of distress, sometimes smiles, but mostly memories. Ah, and dreams. One can never forget the dreams, aint it? No matter how hard you break down, those little wishes, still keep the life in you. Its ridiculous, we human proclaim that we never believe any good thing can happen to us, when one small thing goes wrong, but then the hope, the glint of hope keeps one on the shore, sans drowning.

I looked at the restaurant as I passed by. Was it in my head or did the mirrors actually reflect my dreamy past? I didnt know, the woman I had was probably what everyone earned for. But I was a man, probably I was designed to be unfaithful. Such a shame, that I couldnt treasure what I longed for and pushed it to the point, where it broke.

She, a woman, more stronger than what I believe, more patient than I deserved. Probably perseverance should have been her middle name. I lit my cigar, it sure was a cold evening. What felt colder than everything was my heart probably. Cigars couldnt remove the feel, anyways.

I was wondering if everyone had this or was it just me. Does everyone change when you get love? Does the feeling wear off? Was I not a good man?
 How do people find the ones whom they are supposed to live with and decide to do anything for them. Compatability? I wonder. I was mentally mapping a picture where I say sorry and everything makes sense.

But, Sorry?

Apologies dont have to be said, they need to be felt. 
And unsaid guilt eats you away.More faster with every passing day.

I no longer knew if I wanted her to come back. Fifteen plus years is a long time. When she left what did she say, Ah, That she felt free. Nothing bound her to our relationship. But love had gone. Probably it didnt want to go, but I pushed it away. With every slap, every hit, it just went away.
Thinking about it, did she have the hope too? Probably she did, with every passing day, she thought some day I would become normal again. Like the first time we laughed. But I became the beast.

Hey wait a minute- what did I call myself beast , Am I really a beast? No, I didnt love her, so it was all in her head isnt it? I didnt ask her to do a thing, but still she did. I didnt ask her to care but she did. Actually, why couldn't I love her. I know now. She thought she was taken in a relationship, but she was taken- Taken for granted.

Did a few tears really pour down now? I knew I would miss her, when she left. Nobody bothered about me that much. But when did I become this person?
I didnt imagine this picture of mine any day. I have fallen low in my eyes. Every thing she told as she left makes sense now.

"I'm sorry you had to lose your love." I said that day, when she was whimpering in tears. 
She composed herself and spelled out clearly, "You think I am sorry for losing my love." She paused, letting out a small laugh. It was theaterical I must admit. I hadn't heard anything beyond her yes in a while. "I am sorry that I respected someone who didnt deserve one ounce of it. I am sorry that I wasted my time, running beyond trivial issues. Women need to bolster the relationship, that's absolutely right. But you cant become the roots of a weed, when you are destined to be the one for a tree."
I had laughed that day. I was the one who was rejecting her and she thought I wasn't good enough.
"One day, you will turn around and finally see the true ruffian image beyond your perception. The day you do, you will remember me."
She paused as I looked at her blankly.
"And I wont come back, Come what may!"
She said as she left.

It was true, the day had come I felt. Lonely. That was the word. I didnt realise that I had changed so much. Growing up, I was a teenager who wanted a normal love, and a normal life. A yet another classic story of happiness.
Happiness.
I didnt know where it was.

Regret want a good felling at all. I was uncomfortable, something was bothering me. "People need to be happy with what they have and I have you and I am happy", she used to say, everytime I slept next to her, after a volley of blows. "But what hurts is the bruises of reality. Every time I look at myself" Yes, she did try to talk sense into my head, but I didn't heed. 

Why didnt she slap me back, I wonder. That would have hurt less, than today.

I guess the world is just of two kinds of people. One, who are too understanding about the importance of relationships and donot hesitate in taking the first step and go to any extent for the ones they love. And two who have all the above, plus an overdose of ego and arrogance, spoiling the fabric of relationships.

She was that and I was this.

Hmm, Ours indeed was a perfect match!

The calls of his end where probably waiting for the realisation of his errors. Once it was done, the stars probably dimmed a little. 
Now that he was one among them.

Penned by,
Sti

Shiny Diamonds and Broken Glasses Do Cut.

One thing that never stops amazing me is – People. I seriously don’t get the plot in their heads, like you go about saying you understand the importance of relationships. You tell me, if I had a boyfriend/girlfriend, Ill fight it all out, Ill make them the happiest and what not? You tell me you long for someone who chooses to be by your side, remember chooses- it’s a choice they make. You tell me that you wish to trust someone such that it never hurts or hurt. But why do you refrain yourself from taking the first step.
Let alone taking the first step. That’s too much for anyone to do right, obviously how can your excellency do the honours. Silly me, Sorry. Leave that aside. You say you understand the importance of relationships, do you?
No you don’t and Ill tell you why. They don’t have names, yes that’s why you don’t respect relationships. Oh, I am sorry I am not speaking about any prince charming or damsel story here. Infact, its not about love at all. Relationships aren’t just the marital love or any affair. Relationships include everthing, arent they way beyond that?  Right from the smile you ignore when you travel or the goodbye you don’t care replying for or the person next door or your roommate or say a name, Ill add it to the list.
Its disheartening to see people being aloof, just because some relationships are not named. Just like the person who takes the same bus as you every singke day, since forever. One day he doesn’t turn up, you catch yourself wondering, you miss their presence- might be for a fleeting moment, but you do miss. And then they are back the next day, the urge to ask them what happened the previous day, dies from within. Just Why? Is he going to be rude. You assume he will, because poking our nose in others affairs is not our thing. That’s not good manners aint it?
Similarly at office, you know the guy sits there since you ever joined. A simple ‘You’re ok? Do you need to speak?’ wouldn’t hurt at all. You never know when you might end up needing one.
And I am in a way not blaming you individual as well. Because, apparently that’s not the way plot works. Some one being too kind or lively is taken. Taken for granted. People would choose to stare at them, see whomever they talk to, how they talk but would never see why they do what they do.
So many people are worried about staying away from home, missing this, missing that, forgetting that today is also a part of their life. Again as I said it, you chose something that led you wherever you are today. Its choices that makes us change places and paces in life.
Of all the people I have met in my life so far, be it in Chennai, Trivandrum, Pune, Loughborough, Leicester or Coventry many have asked me do I miss home? Ill tell you today the truth. There is only one person I miss more than anyone in the whole world. Ill choose to call him AH. Ill tell you why as well.
It was a typical day at work back in UK, I was doing my daily routine. But in the back of my head there was only one thing that was running- dad didn’t sound too good over the phone. Usually at 10:40 every single day, I go to refill my waterbottle.And AH used to come to get his coffee during the same time. Just a nod and quick hello would be our conversation level. Every day. That day I did nod, but he could see that something was bothering me. He asked, I told him. He casually said that everything would be ok. I never saw or met him after that as I had shifted my location. I wanted to tell him a goodbye but couldn’t do so. But to my utter surprise, 30 days later, I received a mail in my personal inbox. It was from him. Didn’t have much details, just this:
“Hey sorry it took too long to get your personal mail id from here. I hope you reached safe and your dad is doing good. Please let me know if I can be of any help anytime. Cheers!”
I swear, I cried.  And I miss him today, not because he precisely understood every thought of mine, always stood by my side, promised to marry me or anything of that sort. But just that when I took a step back, he cared enough to check if it was ok, even though he really didn’t have to do that. I didn’t owe him any money any trust any promise or nothing at all. Still,he chose to care. I know people who take all that and choose to just hurt. Well anyways.
 Today when I am stressed, I wished we had more people like him around, who cared for who is right next to them at the moment, than who are probably comfortable miles apart.
You cant take along everyone as you go ahead in life. Not even your better half all the times. Just try being a little human to everyone around you right now please? I know you don’t really care, yet can you start acting like you do please?
And with all due respect, before you people put on your judgemental hats and ask me how come I never miss my dad or mom or bro or my best friend, I am sorry- they know me well enough to understand my feelings. If you think I don’t repect these relationships, I am even more sorry. Some people suffer from a certain rare case of insanity. My best wishes for you to get well soon.
The world needs compassion, more than love. Apparantely I don’t think there are going to be any endorsements for it too. But maybe, a self-realisation should help?
And atleast if you cant take the first step to be good to someone, donot ignore little acts of kindness. J
Hoping atleast someone gets a comforting shoulder today!
Dedicating to my pen friend , to one of the kindest people I have met! J J


 Love,
Sti :)

So three days for 2014 to wrap up. Have been reading 2013, 2012, 2011 and in fact 2009 reviews before deciding to pen this one.
 It absolutely isn't easy as you go down, aint it? As I was mentioning to one of my pals before, when I was 18 something, I read a book which stated that 'As you grow up, your friend list might increase, but the number of friends whom you can actually trust goes down.' How stupid of me to think that I would be spared. How retarded I could be to think, if we try forever could happen. It should be from both ends, mostly it turns out to be single handed effort.

Well, Years review - Started off with New Year Eve at London eye, One thing I ticked off my wishlist. Nothing else matters, except when you see the sky glow with the fireworks, seems like all good things are meant to be just yours in this wide vast world. As the glint and cheer spread across the crowd, seeing people- you get the zeal to live, look forward. That's how it was,not sure how much I expected it to turn out like. Wasnt sure if it was good decision to go. But after seeing it live on 01.01.14- 12:01 AM, nothing mattered. It's like, you feel you are the center of the world. Absolutely nothing else matters. 

After the glorious note usual schedule stuck. Oh , here is something that you I probably refrained from mentioning in the internet. That I worked in Domino's. I dont really care, if you say, 'Oh, why did she have to go to UK to do all this, Instead----' with the Plan -B options of yours for my life. I do not want it. In fact, it was the best decision, Once you strive hard to earn that penny, you wouldn't complain of spending an hour of extra work at your core job. Networked with so many people out there, one I clearly remember was a widow. She used to always smile and tell me, ' You have a choice to progress, use it wisely.' That's true, aint it? Its what we study for, for getting the choice.  Ended up saving much, and my first gift to dad, for his hobby, DSLR camera. Yes, I am freaking proud about that :) Its not everyday when you can save that much, can you? 

Oh and no, before you ponder, I did not lie when I said I was a part time tutor as well. Now that was an interesting venture, for one- you can check and compare Indian & British syllabus and second, I actually used to visit some of my students home for sessions. Its easy being a tutor comparatively in India, coz you have parents support. If the kid doesnt listen to you, you literally donot have to do anything. The mum's eyes would already be rolling :P But in here, kids have their independence. You won't believe it, there was a kid who actually said that he 'felt lazy' and feels like doing it later. This was a good and in a way bad attitude - Good since they learn to say a no, when they feel it. I know people in corporate, who still do not stand up for what they want. That is essential, aint it? You know, the best of tutoring sessions I had was with Pakistani joint family, used to teach a couple of cousins. Best part- Like Indian culture, they keep feeding you until you say no, and even after that. And trust me I was a big fan of Kerala adapradhaman and semiya kheer, but hands down Pakistani version is class apart- God knows how they do that! Ok, Enough of food :P 

It was and it always is quite a challenge to keep the balance uptight, between part time and course activities. Loughborough, especially my course was perfect for that. Of course, there were a few part time sessions I bunked for sleeping in and hanging out. But there was never a class or meeting I missed due to part time. The balance was intact.

First half at Loughborough was fun, second half turned out to be serious. Dissertation- Placements- Internship and the next big question, are we going back home after the course is over in Sep or what next? Thankfully, I got an internship at Jaguar Land Rover. Another thing ticked off my wishlist. Its not everyday you get to hang around with F-types and Landrovers, aint it? One of the most dynamic environments, with a pool of very talented individuals. You actually see people living with those principles that you thought were in books and could never be implemented in real scenario. Like Optimism and being professional. JLR groomed into a better person and honestly I see way down the lane how I want to be. Five years from now on. Ten. Twenty. There were people whom I literally wanted to turn out to be like. Attitude- wise, Authority- wise and literally everything. Its hard to find inspiration these days, people fall short in one aspect or other, but JLR was perfection to my eyes :)

One more thing worth mentioning is the newspaper article. Not everyday you make it to Page-3 :P Hope this isnt the last one :) 

So, done with Masters. Flew down to home to spend time with family at the moment. For questions on what next, well, Will say you super soon! Lips sealed till then :P

Like they say, there is more than what meets the eye. This is probably one of the years where I got acquainted with the maximum number of people. Some became close, some decided to move apart. Well, whatever. But a few, I know I owe a lot. From this point forward, it is for you guys.

Swapna- Karthik : I miss you both. I miss those pointless chat and Swap- your awesome cooking. Thank you being there around, always to listen, for the movies, shopping, help, advice, care. Helping me out emotionally financially and for every morsel of food I ate back at your place- Will never forget the favours you did. A big Thanks! I know you are settled in your career now, I wish you both stay blessed and have a great time ahead :)

Abul, Mahi and Vicky anna- This would probably be from both me and Divya. Right RD? For you guys have been the people worth trusting. We had so much fun going out and the card sessions. Wondering when all this is going to happen again. Truly thanking you guys for all the moments. I know I have already said this to you guys individually, but again- a year or two down the lane, I am sure you will reach heights and my bestest wishes to you three :)

Naveen- Evangeline- Anna, hands down world's best cook :D Eva, cant thank you enough for supporting me you-know- when. And most importantly thanking you for helping me with house hunt in Coventry. I would go ahead and simply say- May all that you both wish, happen in 2015 :)

Jaina- Yaar, last day at Amber rooms, And the night stay overs through the year. I miss cooking for you, hoping we meet up soon!

Ranjit anna - For speaking what you thought was right, irrespective of my point of view. Thank you the talks, calls, help and support. N seekiram ooruku vanga :) Last day Dessert talks, advice at airport, NYE are something's that I would never forget na!

When it comes to UK, two people down here, last definitely not the least.

To both- The dinner at Feast of India, hands down the best conversation ever.

You left before my birthday, didnt you? I know the situation was unavoidable but I missed you so badly. Even if everything was perfect, there was something missing. Probably the way you would have frolicked, jumped up and down, made me lift you- asked me to cook for you, or could be anything. Honestly, I did not cry that much for my farewell as I did for yours. I never knew I could get this attached to anyone, for that matter. But you lil brat, you left me there alone, didnt you? :P With all the situations I mentioned above, you tagged along silently. I am surely not thanking you for anything, don't even expect it :P My year still hasn't got down to that sorrow state. You know what, Ill tell u something. Some good thing for a change. Of all the people I know right now, I respect you a lot. In every single way. There has not been a single moment when I paused and thought how different things would have been if you hadn't left. I miss you. The ridiculously outrageous ways you used to run around while shopping or ensure that my every off weekend is full of plans - I missed you. You remember once I was telling you I wish we both could sit under the night sky and speak our heart out. I wish we could go down to Loughborough to exactly the same place, count the stars at 1 in the night again. Or KFC - grab some onion rings n discuss our mission impossible plans. :P I still remember the night you left. Packing till late night, I was the one with the sullen face and unsaid tears, you were happily heading home. :( Cant believe that was the last time I saw you. Atleast cry a lil bit now :P
You once told me I wouldn't miss you and end up getting new friends. No one is going to replace you.Never.
For all the nights that I cringed and curled up in fright, for just being yourself and making sure I stay focussed at work and taking care of me and on and on and on-- I am not saying the two words :P Have a happy time ahead dear RD! Come down to India soon.

Okay us? I am the one with the loud mouth and loose tongue who goes on blah blahing about every random topic on my head. Where do I even start? Ok, an apology. For a promise that both of us know, I couldnt fulfill, which was way out of my hands, yet I took it as a challenge, made sincere attempts, brought it fine enough for a closure- However it isnt fulfilled at the moment, but soon will be. I very well know you do not hold me responsible for it and probably you have reassured me a million times for it. But I am sorry. 
Good times? For the care, ensuring that I do not end up over thinking and ruining the situation more, ensuring I eat when I'm out, helping me out in every single decision I took. Best times were at the Fountain. Nowhere else. Nothing else comes close to that. Looking back, I know not much was done, but we tried the best. I hope you succeed in your life and love :)

I know I owe a lot to people more than this. For every single one, who stood by me, had faith and trusted- Thanks. For everyone who said Idonot care for relationships- Thank you more. Makes me realise how much you knew about me :)

Coming down to India, irrespective of so many people going off like the disappearing flights, a few did manage to be in contact.

Prem, Prasanna and Satheesh- My best wishes to all three of you for your Masters :) Happy 2015 :)
Kna, Mo and Gg- For making home sound happier :) Thank you! 
Ash- For trusting me. Honestly I wish I could have take you along to UK. Someday definetly. 
Ashfaq- You push the standards where I wanna reach, every single time I meet you. Thank you for sticking by my side. Hope things continue this way in 2015 too :)
Uthra- I know I havent been in India, most part of this year. U needed me and mustve missed me a lot. Sorry for not being around and thank you for virtually living with me :)

Lastly, there were a few things I learnt this year. Jotting these down, as a self- reminder. 

That money is important and earning it is difficult. So spend only on those who matter to you, and more precisely on those who think you matter in their life. Coz turns out mostly, we aren't that important as we think we are. :P

That people are going to hurt. With words and actions. Eventually we all have to remember this. We simply don't remember this and life keeps teaching this simple thing again and again. Ok life, please note - your point is noted. Not again in 2015.

That there are some people who absolutely have nothing else to do than spread misery. From 'Oh, my bathroom floor is wet, why doesnt it dry soon' to 'Oh, I don't think I will live tomorrow.' Such dopes of pessimism I tell you!

That subconsciously, some people think they are the centre of the universe. Every damn thing revolves around them. You end up listening to their stories, when you want to share yours.

That some people might truly want the best for you, yet with the shift in perception- Relationships get tricky. 

That not all relationships are worth the hype. Now, this was an interesting thing. 

That they dont listen to comfort, they listen to judge.

That you are the only one concerned about yourself. Be it anniversary date, birthday or the friday that you wanted to hang out, or any event. The biggest thing I learnt was do not wait for people. If you want to make a moment special, take it and make it. Absolutely no one is going to save you in your life. Be it the extra bag you carry during shopping to wishing you had company for all major things. 

And honestly, as some people rightly pointed out over my face - 'We do not bother about you anymore.'

Lastly, that Growing up Sucks. :P

For all the people who broke me down in little ways, God bless you. Not being the goody goody girl, but honestly, how would you even understand how much it hurt unless you fit into my shoes?! 

Growing up you realise that there is no point in saying 'I will always be there for you' even if you momentarily mean it in a sincere tone. So I am not saying that in a wrap-up-note. Well, The Truth? We are going to grow far apart. The equations are going to change. I might exactly speak your mind to make you happy, but still are going to be pissed  off cuz your best friend knows you, but your girl friend failed. 

Dear people,
I can just be myself and try to make your life better. I cant fill up for all the vacancies in your life, and you end up replacing me when you find a soul for every single one. 
Sincerely,
Please-understand-everyone-has-a-life-to-live. Its just not about you!

As far as I am concerned, pretty much right now, everything has shrunk to just a very small circle of people about their thoughts and lifes. The kind of people whom I know want the best for me, even if they are that damn far apart physically. The kind of people who bring out the best in me.
To everyone outside, hope you find your circle too. 

And to all of my friends, acquaintances and literally everyone whom I know-
I hope you step closer to your dreams. I hope you find your soul mate. Most importantly, I hope happiness and peace reigns in your life.
Wishing you all a very prosperous 2015!!!

Loads of Love,
Swathi I

Who knows what lies across the bend.
I hope its just not the end,
For the heart that bleeds never speaks,
Its just so low and never leaks,

The one that wounds it lies so strong,
The one that is wounded feels so wrong,
The heart that bleeds has a frown,
The heart that bled it wears a crown.


Oh, is it even so fair to be bled,
After all the tears that I shed,
I thought things would go red,
But right now I feel so dead.

Mending into the mystical mood,
Finding things to feel good,
Walking around the vintage woods,
Wearing an emotional hood.

'Are the miles to be traversed alone?'
I asked with a faint groan.
To my princess I would've flown.
But now, my dreams are totally blown.

How would I ever tell you what I felt,
How would ever know how I melt,
The faint smile of yours made me welt,
Your heart is where I would have dwelt.

Yet you toss me like a trash.
And I fell down with a loud crash.
And sustained with a few rash.

But the heart that bleeds knows no rhyme.
It just sings along in the sands of time.

Hoping that someone will pick up the pieces
And remove those intricate creases.

And make it work hale and fine,
And making it glitter in all shine!!

I had posted this as a response to a question in Quora: 'Why are majority of mechanical engineers men and not women?'

 This was my reply:

 When I read this I literally had this voice in my head "Been there, done that".

Yes, it is very true that women do not opt mechanical engineering in large numbers. Frankly I met some 10 + girls among the many places I went during the course of my engineering.

Though the world is very evident about why girls do not choose engineering, due to the 'strong work', 'fear of being hurt', 'less number of girls' and all, rarely have people wondered the reason behind the other half's choice. 

First of all, Let me tell you one thing, passion must be above fear for any person, and in any field. Like any girl can even fear even from being a software engineer, "OMG! IF my system shuts down automatically, all are going to look at me!" It is the same with us, if we aren't able to put the effort to pull off any mechanical task, we'll be mocked. The 'we' I mean is the mechie and auto girls. One has to get over this fear, which is very difficult frankly, That too knowing that you would be the only girl, with the reluctance and hesitation in mind, it is even more difficult. Oh and that too, needless to say first day in college all of us are nervous, and first day and only girl for four years- Hell no!


Secondly, yes, no clean chit record of mine. Got hurt a lot. My parents used to send me bandage every semester to hostel!! One sees the potential to get hurt, but never sees how much you can learn from it. Granted there is a possiblity that you slip while you walk, does that mean you quit walking because of the fear?! No. And let me tell you one more thing, you might be the only girl, but there are going to be persons with you- Men. Seeing you bleed with a cut, they wouldn't scream and say 'Hey we knew girls aren't fit!' They help you more than anyone. They would understand and be by your side, professionally. And again, the toughest tasks in mechanical are always team work. Stop imaging like a whole optimus prime is given to you for dismantling!! Even if you dismantle a small differential unit or any component for that matter, you would need help no matter whether it is a guy or girl. You learn along with men, they aren't geniuses either, You learn together.

People never think about the respect you earn, while you overcome every small obstacle that comes your way, especially from your co-workers. At the end of the day, it encourages you even more to go ahead in doing what you want to do. Nobody speaks about this. I don't understand how earning money has become more than this- you speak about the job prospects of women, not how much they are respected. It actually makes you feel good, when your team mates/ colleagues tell you that not everyone would follow the path you chose and they are proud knowing you. I still cherish the moments when I got such appreciation. :)

Oh and the perception that you need to be physically tough to be in mechanical is also not true. Agreed that if you are strong you can be better at handling tough things/equipments, but not necessary always. Even if you aren't able to, you could always ask for help. It just requires your asking. 

True that, some of the co-workers also feel that the female counterparts are being given undue advantage because of their gender. They don't have to wait for anything, they are given 'special attention'. You guys have no idea how much we gave up for being in there. Stop complicating things. It happens in every department, just because one women takes advantage of that,doesn't mean all of us are such. There are people(women) whom I met, who are so much more than their counterparts at work. Give them the credit, when you know they deserve it.

One other primary reason why women don't prefer mechanical engineering is Menstrual cycle. It is tough handling the pain at times. And heavy physical work might complicate it, but how often are we going to run away saying this. Women have entered all professions, which are more physically laborious than this and they are fine. If they can do, why can't you?

Society- I do not even say about the external world. Even the other people at college, your batch mates -look at you as if you are from alien land. Those looks you get as they stare at you in labs or cafeterias with a gang of guys, ranges from envy to disgust to respect to anger to what-not. Name it and I'll tell you how I got it! 
It is rare that they show immediate respect, some might not even give in the long run. The newly running stupid thought about women being in mechanical to spend time with men and such stuff. Oh and don't tell me I'm spinning bullshit. Five years now, still remember how I heard this for first time. Clearing the air, I would confess we go for work, never anything more than that. Such thoughts make women, think again about her choice. 

One of the most common reasons why women avoid mechanical engineering is this- what would my life partner think of me when he knows I studied with so many guys? I do not want to go about relationships in here - but just one question- If he isn't even able to see your passion for work, then how good is he as a life partner? How long are you going to change your interests to appeal someone who has or is yet to come in your life?

Support from parents is also rare. All daughters are daddy's princess- nobody would want to send their girl child to a place where she would be alone with new people of the opposite gender (Atleast at the start of college). There is a subtle instilled fear, trust must come to rescue.

And women loathe loneliness- The fact that you can't have a peer group with whom you can discuss guys, ask about the latest shopping plan or fashion trend- do a lot of group pics and post it on facebook - with your school guys asking- 'Hey why don't you introduce your new college mate?' and all is never going to happen. In the facebooking and Instagramming world- this is a criteria that makes them run away from mechanical. Do not disagree, I know people who have asked me to think about this when I made my decision. 

And last note, college is about fun they say- the fun should be based on what you learn and not with whom you learn. 
My personal note? Not even mechanical, Automobile engineer and female- The best decision I ever took in my life. Recommending the same to all the prospective female engineers.

 Love,
Swathi

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That it will never come again is what makes life more and more Interesting… It takes real good time to understand me.. And sometimes, Even people who understand me fail to get whatever I mean… For people who don’t know about me, I’m A fun-loving, friendly, Optimistic, Jovial, Out-going girl… Sometimes shy when the whole crowd is new…. But I get along with people very soon….. I have a lot of friends who consider me an important part of their life… I cheer up people very easily when they are sad…. I like Indian culture.. I Like analyzing characters… Emotions and Science are what I consider awesome Books are My best buddies...... i Read a hell lot of them...... Some of my friends think I can be a good listener… I can listen patiently… But even I can talk a lot… Its hard to get under my skin.. I always find out what people are upto very easily... I don intend to But it doesnot get out of my view I’m not very caring, Very friendly and all but I’m very naughty… My mood swings a lot… And finally, what matters is What U Know About Me And Not What U Read Over Here :)

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