All that you wanted to know

It Is All I Ever Wanted To Say.... :)

Could traces of delight draw lines of empathy, I wonder. 

Basking down the dim-lit lane, flashes of light brought in fleeting memories as well. Sometimes of distress, sometimes smiles, but mostly memories. Ah, and dreams. One can never forget the dreams, aint it? No matter how hard you break down, those little wishes, still keep the life in you. Its ridiculous, we human proclaim that we never believe any good thing can happen to us, when one small thing goes wrong, but then the hope, the glint of hope keeps one on the shore, sans drowning.

I looked at the restaurant as I passed by. Was it in my head or did the mirrors actually reflect my dreamy past? I didnt know, the woman I had was probably what everyone earned for. But I was a man, probably I was designed to be unfaithful. Such a shame, that I couldnt treasure what I longed for and pushed it to the point, where it broke.

She, a woman, more stronger than what I believe, more patient than I deserved. Probably perseverance should have been her middle name. I lit my cigar, it sure was a cold evening. What felt colder than everything was my heart probably. Cigars couldnt remove the feel, anyways.

I was wondering if everyone had this or was it just me. Does everyone change when you get love? Does the feeling wear off? Was I not a good man?
 How do people find the ones whom they are supposed to live with and decide to do anything for them. Compatability? I wonder. I was mentally mapping a picture where I say sorry and everything makes sense.

But, Sorry?

Apologies dont have to be said, they need to be felt. 
And unsaid guilt eats you away.More faster with every passing day.

I no longer knew if I wanted her to come back. Fifteen plus years is a long time. When she left what did she say, Ah, That she felt free. Nothing bound her to our relationship. But love had gone. Probably it didnt want to go, but I pushed it away. With every slap, every hit, it just went away.
Thinking about it, did she have the hope too? Probably she did, with every passing day, she thought some day I would become normal again. Like the first time we laughed. But I became the beast.

Hey wait a minute- what did I call myself beast , Am I really a beast? No, I didnt love her, so it was all in her head isnt it? I didnt ask her to do a thing, but still she did. I didnt ask her to care but she did. Actually, why couldn't I love her. I know now. She thought she was taken in a relationship, but she was taken- Taken for granted.

Did a few tears really pour down now? I knew I would miss her, when she left. Nobody bothered about me that much. But when did I become this person?
I didnt imagine this picture of mine any day. I have fallen low in my eyes. Every thing she told as she left makes sense now.

"I'm sorry you had to lose your love." I said that day, when she was whimpering in tears. 
She composed herself and spelled out clearly, "You think I am sorry for losing my love." She paused, letting out a small laugh. It was theaterical I must admit. I hadn't heard anything beyond her yes in a while. "I am sorry that I respected someone who didnt deserve one ounce of it. I am sorry that I wasted my time, running beyond trivial issues. Women need to bolster the relationship, that's absolutely right. But you cant become the roots of a weed, when you are destined to be the one for a tree."
I had laughed that day. I was the one who was rejecting her and she thought I wasn't good enough.
"One day, you will turn around and finally see the true ruffian image beyond your perception. The day you do, you will remember me."
She paused as I looked at her blankly.
"And I wont come back, Come what may!"
She said as she left.

It was true, the day had come I felt. Lonely. That was the word. I didnt realise that I had changed so much. Growing up, I was a teenager who wanted a normal love, and a normal life. A yet another classic story of happiness.
Happiness.
I didnt know where it was.

Regret want a good felling at all. I was uncomfortable, something was bothering me. "People need to be happy with what they have and I have you and I am happy", she used to say, everytime I slept next to her, after a volley of blows. "But what hurts is the bruises of reality. Every time I look at myself" Yes, she did try to talk sense into my head, but I didn't heed. 

Why didnt she slap me back, I wonder. That would have hurt less, than today.

I guess the world is just of two kinds of people. One, who are too understanding about the importance of relationships and donot hesitate in taking the first step and go to any extent for the ones they love. And two who have all the above, plus an overdose of ego and arrogance, spoiling the fabric of relationships.

She was that and I was this.

Hmm, Ours indeed was a perfect match!

The calls of his end where probably waiting for the realisation of his errors. Once it was done, the stars probably dimmed a little. 
Now that he was one among them.

Penned by,
Sti

Shiny Diamonds and Broken Glasses Do Cut.

One thing that never stops amazing me is – People. I seriously don’t get the plot in their heads, like you go about saying you understand the importance of relationships. You tell me, if I had a boyfriend/girlfriend, Ill fight it all out, Ill make them the happiest and what not? You tell me you long for someone who chooses to be by your side, remember chooses- it’s a choice they make. You tell me that you wish to trust someone such that it never hurts or hurt. But why do you refrain yourself from taking the first step.
Let alone taking the first step. That’s too much for anyone to do right, obviously how can your excellency do the honours. Silly me, Sorry. Leave that aside. You say you understand the importance of relationships, do you?
No you don’t and Ill tell you why. They don’t have names, yes that’s why you don’t respect relationships. Oh, I am sorry I am not speaking about any prince charming or damsel story here. Infact, its not about love at all. Relationships aren’t just the marital love or any affair. Relationships include everthing, arent they way beyond that?  Right from the smile you ignore when you travel or the goodbye you don’t care replying for or the person next door or your roommate or say a name, Ill add it to the list.
Its disheartening to see people being aloof, just because some relationships are not named. Just like the person who takes the same bus as you every singke day, since forever. One day he doesn’t turn up, you catch yourself wondering, you miss their presence- might be for a fleeting moment, but you do miss. And then they are back the next day, the urge to ask them what happened the previous day, dies from within. Just Why? Is he going to be rude. You assume he will, because poking our nose in others affairs is not our thing. That’s not good manners aint it?
Similarly at office, you know the guy sits there since you ever joined. A simple ‘You’re ok? Do you need to speak?’ wouldn’t hurt at all. You never know when you might end up needing one.
And I am in a way not blaming you individual as well. Because, apparently that’s not the way plot works. Some one being too kind or lively is taken. Taken for granted. People would choose to stare at them, see whomever they talk to, how they talk but would never see why they do what they do.
So many people are worried about staying away from home, missing this, missing that, forgetting that today is also a part of their life. Again as I said it, you chose something that led you wherever you are today. Its choices that makes us change places and paces in life.
Of all the people I have met in my life so far, be it in Chennai, Trivandrum, Pune, Loughborough, Leicester or Coventry many have asked me do I miss home? Ill tell you today the truth. There is only one person I miss more than anyone in the whole world. Ill choose to call him AH. Ill tell you why as well.
It was a typical day at work back in UK, I was doing my daily routine. But in the back of my head there was only one thing that was running- dad didn’t sound too good over the phone. Usually at 10:40 every single day, I go to refill my waterbottle.And AH used to come to get his coffee during the same time. Just a nod and quick hello would be our conversation level. Every day. That day I did nod, but he could see that something was bothering me. He asked, I told him. He casually said that everything would be ok. I never saw or met him after that as I had shifted my location. I wanted to tell him a goodbye but couldn’t do so. But to my utter surprise, 30 days later, I received a mail in my personal inbox. It was from him. Didn’t have much details, just this:
“Hey sorry it took too long to get your personal mail id from here. I hope you reached safe and your dad is doing good. Please let me know if I can be of any help anytime. Cheers!”
I swear, I cried.  And I miss him today, not because he precisely understood every thought of mine, always stood by my side, promised to marry me or anything of that sort. But just that when I took a step back, he cared enough to check if it was ok, even though he really didn’t have to do that. I didn’t owe him any money any trust any promise or nothing at all. Still,he chose to care. I know people who take all that and choose to just hurt. Well anyways.
 Today when I am stressed, I wished we had more people like him around, who cared for who is right next to them at the moment, than who are probably comfortable miles apart.
You cant take along everyone as you go ahead in life. Not even your better half all the times. Just try being a little human to everyone around you right now please? I know you don’t really care, yet can you start acting like you do please?
And with all due respect, before you people put on your judgemental hats and ask me how come I never miss my dad or mom or bro or my best friend, I am sorry- they know me well enough to understand my feelings. If you think I don’t repect these relationships, I am even more sorry. Some people suffer from a certain rare case of insanity. My best wishes for you to get well soon.
The world needs compassion, more than love. Apparantely I don’t think there are going to be any endorsements for it too. But maybe, a self-realisation should help?
And atleast if you cant take the first step to be good to someone, donot ignore little acts of kindness. J
Hoping atleast someone gets a comforting shoulder today!
Dedicating to my pen friend , to one of the kindest people I have met! J J


 Love,
Sti :)

So three days for 2014 to wrap up. Have been reading 2013, 2012, 2011 and in fact 2009 reviews before deciding to pen this one.
 It absolutely isn't easy as you go down, aint it? As I was mentioning to one of my pals before, when I was 18 something, I read a book which stated that 'As you grow up, your friend list might increase, but the number of friends whom you can actually trust goes down.' How stupid of me to think that I would be spared. How retarded I could be to think, if we try forever could happen. It should be from both ends, mostly it turns out to be single handed effort.

Well, Years review - Started off with New Year Eve at London eye, One thing I ticked off my wishlist. Nothing else matters, except when you see the sky glow with the fireworks, seems like all good things are meant to be just yours in this wide vast world. As the glint and cheer spread across the crowd, seeing people- you get the zeal to live, look forward. That's how it was,not sure how much I expected it to turn out like. Wasnt sure if it was good decision to go. But after seeing it live on 01.01.14- 12:01 AM, nothing mattered. It's like, you feel you are the center of the world. Absolutely nothing else matters. 

After the glorious note usual schedule stuck. Oh , here is something that you I probably refrained from mentioning in the internet. That I worked in Domino's. I dont really care, if you say, 'Oh, why did she have to go to UK to do all this, Instead----' with the Plan -B options of yours for my life. I do not want it. In fact, it was the best decision, Once you strive hard to earn that penny, you wouldn't complain of spending an hour of extra work at your core job. Networked with so many people out there, one I clearly remember was a widow. She used to always smile and tell me, ' You have a choice to progress, use it wisely.' That's true, aint it? Its what we study for, for getting the choice.  Ended up saving much, and my first gift to dad, for his hobby, DSLR camera. Yes, I am freaking proud about that :) Its not everyday when you can save that much, can you? 

Oh and no, before you ponder, I did not lie when I said I was a part time tutor as well. Now that was an interesting venture, for one- you can check and compare Indian & British syllabus and second, I actually used to visit some of my students home for sessions. Its easy being a tutor comparatively in India, coz you have parents support. If the kid doesnt listen to you, you literally donot have to do anything. The mum's eyes would already be rolling :P But in here, kids have their independence. You won't believe it, there was a kid who actually said that he 'felt lazy' and feels like doing it later. This was a good and in a way bad attitude - Good since they learn to say a no, when they feel it. I know people in corporate, who still do not stand up for what they want. That is essential, aint it? You know, the best of tutoring sessions I had was with Pakistani joint family, used to teach a couple of cousins. Best part- Like Indian culture, they keep feeding you until you say no, and even after that. And trust me I was a big fan of Kerala adapradhaman and semiya kheer, but hands down Pakistani version is class apart- God knows how they do that! Ok, Enough of food :P 

It was and it always is quite a challenge to keep the balance uptight, between part time and course activities. Loughborough, especially my course was perfect for that. Of course, there were a few part time sessions I bunked for sleeping in and hanging out. But there was never a class or meeting I missed due to part time. The balance was intact.

First half at Loughborough was fun, second half turned out to be serious. Dissertation- Placements- Internship and the next big question, are we going back home after the course is over in Sep or what next? Thankfully, I got an internship at Jaguar Land Rover. Another thing ticked off my wishlist. Its not everyday you get to hang around with F-types and Landrovers, aint it? One of the most dynamic environments, with a pool of very talented individuals. You actually see people living with those principles that you thought were in books and could never be implemented in real scenario. Like Optimism and being professional. JLR groomed into a better person and honestly I see way down the lane how I want to be. Five years from now on. Ten. Twenty. There were people whom I literally wanted to turn out to be like. Attitude- wise, Authority- wise and literally everything. Its hard to find inspiration these days, people fall short in one aspect or other, but JLR was perfection to my eyes :)

One more thing worth mentioning is the newspaper article. Not everyday you make it to Page-3 :P Hope this isnt the last one :) 

So, done with Masters. Flew down to home to spend time with family at the moment. For questions on what next, well, Will say you super soon! Lips sealed till then :P

Like they say, there is more than what meets the eye. This is probably one of the years where I got acquainted with the maximum number of people. Some became close, some decided to move apart. Well, whatever. But a few, I know I owe a lot. From this point forward, it is for you guys.

Swapna- Karthik : I miss you both. I miss those pointless chat and Swap- your awesome cooking. Thank you being there around, always to listen, for the movies, shopping, help, advice, care. Helping me out emotionally financially and for every morsel of food I ate back at your place- Will never forget the favours you did. A big Thanks! I know you are settled in your career now, I wish you both stay blessed and have a great time ahead :)

Abul, Mahi and Vicky anna- This would probably be from both me and Divya. Right RD? For you guys have been the people worth trusting. We had so much fun going out and the card sessions. Wondering when all this is going to happen again. Truly thanking you guys for all the moments. I know I have already said this to you guys individually, but again- a year or two down the lane, I am sure you will reach heights and my bestest wishes to you three :)

Naveen- Evangeline- Anna, hands down world's best cook :D Eva, cant thank you enough for supporting me you-know- when. And most importantly thanking you for helping me with house hunt in Coventry. I would go ahead and simply say- May all that you both wish, happen in 2015 :)

Jaina- Yaar, last day at Amber rooms, And the night stay overs through the year. I miss cooking for you, hoping we meet up soon!

Ranjit anna - For speaking what you thought was right, irrespective of my point of view. Thank you the talks, calls, help and support. N seekiram ooruku vanga :) Last day Dessert talks, advice at airport, NYE are something's that I would never forget na!

When it comes to UK, two people down here, last definitely not the least.

To both- The dinner at Feast of India, hands down the best conversation ever.

You left before my birthday, didnt you? I know the situation was unavoidable but I missed you so badly. Even if everything was perfect, there was something missing. Probably the way you would have frolicked, jumped up and down, made me lift you- asked me to cook for you, or could be anything. Honestly, I did not cry that much for my farewell as I did for yours. I never knew I could get this attached to anyone, for that matter. But you lil brat, you left me there alone, didnt you? :P With all the situations I mentioned above, you tagged along silently. I am surely not thanking you for anything, don't even expect it :P My year still hasn't got down to that sorrow state. You know what, Ill tell u something. Some good thing for a change. Of all the people I know right now, I respect you a lot. In every single way. There has not been a single moment when I paused and thought how different things would have been if you hadn't left. I miss you. The ridiculously outrageous ways you used to run around while shopping or ensure that my every off weekend is full of plans - I missed you. You remember once I was telling you I wish we both could sit under the night sky and speak our heart out. I wish we could go down to Loughborough to exactly the same place, count the stars at 1 in the night again. Or KFC - grab some onion rings n discuss our mission impossible plans. :P I still remember the night you left. Packing till late night, I was the one with the sullen face and unsaid tears, you were happily heading home. :( Cant believe that was the last time I saw you. Atleast cry a lil bit now :P
You once told me I wouldn't miss you and end up getting new friends. No one is going to replace you.Never.
For all the nights that I cringed and curled up in fright, for just being yourself and making sure I stay focussed at work and taking care of me and on and on and on-- I am not saying the two words :P Have a happy time ahead dear RD! Come down to India soon.

Okay us? I am the one with the loud mouth and loose tongue who goes on blah blahing about every random topic on my head. Where do I even start? Ok, an apology. For a promise that both of us know, I couldnt fulfill, which was way out of my hands, yet I took it as a challenge, made sincere attempts, brought it fine enough for a closure- However it isnt fulfilled at the moment, but soon will be. I very well know you do not hold me responsible for it and probably you have reassured me a million times for it. But I am sorry. 
Good times? For the care, ensuring that I do not end up over thinking and ruining the situation more, ensuring I eat when I'm out, helping me out in every single decision I took. Best times were at the Fountain. Nowhere else. Nothing else comes close to that. Looking back, I know not much was done, but we tried the best. I hope you succeed in your life and love :)

I know I owe a lot to people more than this. For every single one, who stood by me, had faith and trusted- Thanks. For everyone who said Idonot care for relationships- Thank you more. Makes me realise how much you knew about me :)

Coming down to India, irrespective of so many people going off like the disappearing flights, a few did manage to be in contact.

Prem, Prasanna and Satheesh- My best wishes to all three of you for your Masters :) Happy 2015 :)
Kna, Mo and Gg- For making home sound happier :) Thank you! 
Ash- For trusting me. Honestly I wish I could have take you along to UK. Someday definetly. 
Ashfaq- You push the standards where I wanna reach, every single time I meet you. Thank you for sticking by my side. Hope things continue this way in 2015 too :)
Uthra- I know I havent been in India, most part of this year. U needed me and mustve missed me a lot. Sorry for not being around and thank you for virtually living with me :)

Lastly, there were a few things I learnt this year. Jotting these down, as a self- reminder. 

That money is important and earning it is difficult. So spend only on those who matter to you, and more precisely on those who think you matter in their life. Coz turns out mostly, we aren't that important as we think we are. :P

That people are going to hurt. With words and actions. Eventually we all have to remember this. We simply don't remember this and life keeps teaching this simple thing again and again. Ok life, please note - your point is noted. Not again in 2015.

That there are some people who absolutely have nothing else to do than spread misery. From 'Oh, my bathroom floor is wet, why doesnt it dry soon' to 'Oh, I don't think I will live tomorrow.' Such dopes of pessimism I tell you!

That subconsciously, some people think they are the centre of the universe. Every damn thing revolves around them. You end up listening to their stories, when you want to share yours.

That some people might truly want the best for you, yet with the shift in perception- Relationships get tricky. 

That not all relationships are worth the hype. Now, this was an interesting thing. 

That they dont listen to comfort, they listen to judge.

That you are the only one concerned about yourself. Be it anniversary date, birthday or the friday that you wanted to hang out, or any event. The biggest thing I learnt was do not wait for people. If you want to make a moment special, take it and make it. Absolutely no one is going to save you in your life. Be it the extra bag you carry during shopping to wishing you had company for all major things. 

And honestly, as some people rightly pointed out over my face - 'We do not bother about you anymore.'

Lastly, that Growing up Sucks. :P

For all the people who broke me down in little ways, God bless you. Not being the goody goody girl, but honestly, how would you even understand how much it hurt unless you fit into my shoes?! 

Growing up you realise that there is no point in saying 'I will always be there for you' even if you momentarily mean it in a sincere tone. So I am not saying that in a wrap-up-note. Well, The Truth? We are going to grow far apart. The equations are going to change. I might exactly speak your mind to make you happy, but still are going to be pissed  off cuz your best friend knows you, but your girl friend failed. 

Dear people,
I can just be myself and try to make your life better. I cant fill up for all the vacancies in your life, and you end up replacing me when you find a soul for every single one. 
Sincerely,
Please-understand-everyone-has-a-life-to-live. Its just not about you!

As far as I am concerned, pretty much right now, everything has shrunk to just a very small circle of people about their thoughts and lifes. The kind of people whom I know want the best for me, even if they are that damn far apart physically. The kind of people who bring out the best in me.
To everyone outside, hope you find your circle too. 

And to all of my friends, acquaintances and literally everyone whom I know-
I hope you step closer to your dreams. I hope you find your soul mate. Most importantly, I hope happiness and peace reigns in your life.
Wishing you all a very prosperous 2015!!!

Loads of Love,
Swathi I

Who knows what lies across the bend.
I hope its just not the end,
For the heart that bleeds never speaks,
Its just so low and never leaks,

The one that wounds it lies so strong,
The one that is wounded feels so wrong,
The heart that bleeds has a frown,
The heart that bled it wears a crown.


Oh, is it even so fair to be bled,
After all the tears that I shed,
I thought things would go red,
But right now I feel so dead.

Mending into the mystical mood,
Finding things to feel good,
Walking around the vintage woods,
Wearing an emotional hood.

'Are the miles to be traversed alone?'
I asked with a faint groan.
To my princess I would've flown.
But now, my dreams are totally blown.

How would I ever tell you what I felt,
How would ever know how I melt,
The faint smile of yours made me welt,
Your heart is where I would have dwelt.

Yet you toss me like a trash.
And I fell down with a loud crash.
And sustained with a few rash.

But the heart that bleeds knows no rhyme.
It just sings along in the sands of time.

Hoping that someone will pick up the pieces
And remove those intricate creases.

And make it work hale and fine,
And making it glitter in all shine!!

I had posted this as a response to a question in Quora: 'Why are majority of mechanical engineers men and not women?'

 This was my reply:

 When I read this I literally had this voice in my head "Been there, done that".

Yes, it is very true that women do not opt mechanical engineering in large numbers. Frankly I met some 10 + girls among the many places I went during the course of my engineering.

Though the world is very evident about why girls do not choose engineering, due to the 'strong work', 'fear of being hurt', 'less number of girls' and all, rarely have people wondered the reason behind the other half's choice. 

First of all, Let me tell you one thing, passion must be above fear for any person, and in any field. Like any girl can even fear even from being a software engineer, "OMG! IF my system shuts down automatically, all are going to look at me!" It is the same with us, if we aren't able to put the effort to pull off any mechanical task, we'll be mocked. The 'we' I mean is the mechie and auto girls. One has to get over this fear, which is very difficult frankly, That too knowing that you would be the only girl, with the reluctance and hesitation in mind, it is even more difficult. Oh and that too, needless to say first day in college all of us are nervous, and first day and only girl for four years- Hell no!


Secondly, yes, no clean chit record of mine. Got hurt a lot. My parents used to send me bandage every semester to hostel!! One sees the potential to get hurt, but never sees how much you can learn from it. Granted there is a possiblity that you slip while you walk, does that mean you quit walking because of the fear?! No. And let me tell you one more thing, you might be the only girl, but there are going to be persons with you- Men. Seeing you bleed with a cut, they wouldn't scream and say 'Hey we knew girls aren't fit!' They help you more than anyone. They would understand and be by your side, professionally. And again, the toughest tasks in mechanical are always team work. Stop imaging like a whole optimus prime is given to you for dismantling!! Even if you dismantle a small differential unit or any component for that matter, you would need help no matter whether it is a guy or girl. You learn along with men, they aren't geniuses either, You learn together.

People never think about the respect you earn, while you overcome every small obstacle that comes your way, especially from your co-workers. At the end of the day, it encourages you even more to go ahead in doing what you want to do. Nobody speaks about this. I don't understand how earning money has become more than this- you speak about the job prospects of women, not how much they are respected. It actually makes you feel good, when your team mates/ colleagues tell you that not everyone would follow the path you chose and they are proud knowing you. I still cherish the moments when I got such appreciation. :)

Oh and the perception that you need to be physically tough to be in mechanical is also not true. Agreed that if you are strong you can be better at handling tough things/equipments, but not necessary always. Even if you aren't able to, you could always ask for help. It just requires your asking. 

True that, some of the co-workers also feel that the female counterparts are being given undue advantage because of their gender. They don't have to wait for anything, they are given 'special attention'. You guys have no idea how much we gave up for being in there. Stop complicating things. It happens in every department, just because one women takes advantage of that,doesn't mean all of us are such. There are people(women) whom I met, who are so much more than their counterparts at work. Give them the credit, when you know they deserve it.

One other primary reason why women don't prefer mechanical engineering is Menstrual cycle. It is tough handling the pain at times. And heavy physical work might complicate it, but how often are we going to run away saying this. Women have entered all professions, which are more physically laborious than this and they are fine. If they can do, why can't you?

Society- I do not even say about the external world. Even the other people at college, your batch mates -look at you as if you are from alien land. Those looks you get as they stare at you in labs or cafeterias with a gang of guys, ranges from envy to disgust to respect to anger to what-not. Name it and I'll tell you how I got it! 
It is rare that they show immediate respect, some might not even give in the long run. The newly running stupid thought about women being in mechanical to spend time with men and such stuff. Oh and don't tell me I'm spinning bullshit. Five years now, still remember how I heard this for first time. Clearing the air, I would confess we go for work, never anything more than that. Such thoughts make women, think again about her choice. 

One of the most common reasons why women avoid mechanical engineering is this- what would my life partner think of me when he knows I studied with so many guys? I do not want to go about relationships in here - but just one question- If he isn't even able to see your passion for work, then how good is he as a life partner? How long are you going to change your interests to appeal someone who has or is yet to come in your life?

Support from parents is also rare. All daughters are daddy's princess- nobody would want to send their girl child to a place where she would be alone with new people of the opposite gender (Atleast at the start of college). There is a subtle instilled fear, trust must come to rescue.

And women loathe loneliness- The fact that you can't have a peer group with whom you can discuss guys, ask about the latest shopping plan or fashion trend- do a lot of group pics and post it on facebook - with your school guys asking- 'Hey why don't you introduce your new college mate?' and all is never going to happen. In the facebooking and Instagramming world- this is a criteria that makes them run away from mechanical. Do not disagree, I know people who have asked me to think about this when I made my decision. 

And last note, college is about fun they say- the fun should be based on what you learn and not with whom you learn. 
My personal note? Not even mechanical, Automobile engineer and female- The best decision I ever took in my life. Recommending the same to all the prospective female engineers.

 Love,
Swathi

Every time these high school results are published, I find a particular sector of people speaking against engineering. I just wanted to pen a few thoughts of mine down.
IS ENGINEERING A WRONG CHOICE?
Definitely no, and in fact I guess even the others would agree to it at some point of time. Engineering is a popular choice frankly. This popularity which should have been a boon, became a bane. Lots of people opt for engineering at the end of schooling leading to increase in the number of engineers overall. Rightly pointed out, they end up in IT sector and criticise that engineering didn't give them the right jobs. 
Agreed, but was engineering your cue card?
This reminds me of my photography skills.  I don't take  a proper snap even with my galaxy series phone. How would it be if I said none should take up photography because it ruins one's life. That's madness, ain't it? Right then stop badmouthing engineering too. It is my passion. Saying that it would ruin people's life, is hurting my belief. Look and I don't look at photographers and badmouth photography. I respect them because they can do stuffs that I simply can't. Can't we expect the same in return?
And you know what? Anywhere except India, say that you are an engineer. People would look at you with such respect. That respect is because they know the fact that Indians are good at mathematics and engineering needs maths. The reputation stands true when you see the pool of scientists and researchers all over the world.
In the right institutions, you do see people like they show in TV shows. The nerds, who do coding, sketch vehicles, cry in frustration when their ideas fail, laugh in happiness when they get their outputs, who brag about the articles read on the internet. Lastly, who visualise a world, that is way beyond the understanding of a non-science person. In the right places who can see people 'play' with science. In the right places.
And by the way when they speak of passion at the end of doctoral speech, or any such event, do you think they are just repeating a classic story? Definitely no! People who spend four-five years of their life, away from their homes, doing nothing except think about a single topic, an issue or a problem? You can only do that if you love the field. 
Or else you will suffer.
Putting a bigger story in a shorter sense, yes the number of engineers in India is high. There is no scope unless you are absolutely perfect.
But is that what you want to do? Do you find any other loophole that can showcase your passion to the world?
If yes, go for it.
If not, then follow the same way. Join the popular college, take the course that's your passion. Remember everyone walks on the same path: Thus what you do makes a difference, not where you walk.
Lastly, Engineering is NOT a scapegoat! Be one or don't be, we don't have to beg anyone for this profession, we have surplus, thanks.  But please do not bad mouth Engineering. Our work is our religion, we worship it.
Praying that true passionate budding engineers do not get misguided,
Truly,
A passionate Automotive Engineer.
That's the Best of all I am, Best of all that I will be.

So, ever since I came over to UK, my blog has become literally dead. I thought I would just give it a jolt today.

What makes one move ahead in life, is of course, the urge to live. The urge to live for someone or the urge to live in order to see your dreams come true. The urge with the hope that tomorrow turns out to be better than yesterday. So, again this post is purely for those who want to or already had studied abroad. For those who want to, this might give you an idea, for those who already have this might bring back memories.

Post is again on the assumption that the individual has never stayed out of home. :)

1. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN
Needless to say, we never realize how quickly we grow up.  'You are on your own' means more than what you think. You have to sort out when you need to go to bank, when you have to work on the deadlines, when you have to get the groceries, when you have to do the laundry or when you have to clean your room.

There is evolution in self at this stage. With every little step you make, you define your personality. For instance, you cook everyday at the same time- people judge your punctuality. You keep cleaning your room - people assume you like to be clean.

2. YOU NEED TO GET UP WHEN YOU FALL.

The person living with you isn't your blood relation. The person studying with you is just another professional contact. It isn't like your first day at college. Rarely does one find a friend from school till UG to Masters. If you have one who knows what you have gone through and would provide you the 'shoulder to cry upon' then blessed you are!
But not always can you explain why you feel sad, even if you do bond well. You need to wipe your own tears and basically, pull yourself together. Emotionally, physically, financially or health-wise: No matter how you feel bad, you will have to pull yourself together.

If you have decided that nothing affects you and the above said will never happen to you, then hold on a second.

3. YOU WILL THINK TWICE ABOUT YOUR SKILLS

People who generally pursue masters are good at work or want to be good at work. You might have been a topper all through your life- at school, at college, everywhere. You would have never thought about being anything else than first. But you will fall back, may be an initial back lag, may be a fatal blow!
But it all depends on you. You need to trust yourself. Ask help from the same field at one point of time you would hear the comment :'With the basics taught in our country, masters would be tough.' Im not saying specific to India, any country for that instance. Some students feel uncomfortable with maths, some have language problems- everyone has their ifs and buts. But trust me, you are better than what you think.
You need to realise your flaws and work on them as soon as possible.  Bridge the gap between the institution's expectations and your own skills.
And on a personal note, I would like to add this. Its not that you don't know to do it. Its just that you never thought it could be done in that way. Its just a shift of perception.

4.'WHAT NEXT?!'

This question would pop up on the day you start your masters. Its not a 'sit back and relax' situation in masters. You have to analyse what next- Doctorate? Job at home? Job in here? and of course, work accordingly. Have a map of options and their probability. 
And please bear in mind, not to let anyone influence your decision. Yes, if you go back home searching for a job, then someone would taunt you saying that you have wasted a whole chunk of money. Bear in mind that there are people out there in crowd who have 'bought' seats and study. Spending on living and paying your fee in educational institution can never be a waste investment. Your skill set is entirely yours. Nobody can steal or deny that.

5. IDENTIFY YOUR FINANCIAL STATUS!!!

Most students end up making this mistake. Even if you are rich in India, you cannot be the same way abroad. Its just the same saturday and sunday, that ends up being everyone's weekend. Now its up to you to decide you financial status and see if you are rich enough to eat out, party and travel or should you be doing a part time job. Plan your work and money. Don't end up being impulsive spendthrift and regret later.

6. LEARN ETIQUETTES: WHEN IN ROME, BE A ROMAN.
A part of it is same as that of first point. You might live in a shared accommodation, ensure you do your part. Contribute to the activities at home be it cleaning or cooking. Remember that they might not matter to you, but the days you spend with them are also a part of your life.

This responsibility comes over to your work too. You will meet a lot of people.  Probably your professors old student who is now a manager, or some people from your industry, or may be you will have to go to places to meet people: Whatever it is, learn the basic etiquettes. Most of communication takes place over mail, so one should have good skills and clarity while writing a mail. Communication skills should be very good. Remember that every little act of your's is important. Be it enthusiasm or frustration- there are people around you judging you with that. Every ounce, counts!!  

Also, listen before you speak. The conversation might be a very formal one.You will have to be as polite as possible and appropriate vocabulary should come in effortlessly. Note the way people speak and learn from your surroundings. Learn every small thing- body language, dressing sense, table manners, transportation, language and so on. 

7. EXPERIENCE THE BEST OF THE PLACE

Be it their culture or fashion or places to visit or their beliefs- try to be a part of it. You dont have to give up your beliefs to experience theirs. You just have to be curious and willing to see things the way it is shown. 
Also think twice before speaking about your country. You might not like some of the things back at home, but it never is necessary to express the same displeasure. You got to back your home.

Lastly, passion is very important. Understandable that there are lot of pros and cons for the idea of 'Masters in abroad' , but try visualising the bigger picture. At the end of the day even if you don't have anyone for you, you still will have your passion. Always. 
And your choices define you. Its completely up to you, to choose how you want to be.

Regards,
Swathi :)

I had been missing this weather, the warmth seemed to burn out all the stress inside. I was basking in the light, seemed like a distant dream.

It had been three long years since I stepped into this city, I missed my city to bits. Ah, but there is your work that takes you to places :) 
Once I closed my eyes, there was a fast slideshow of all the moments that passed by, my college life, my family and him.
The voice still ringed my ears as I was trying hard not to think. I shook my head hard 'Is it really you?' 
Opening my eyes, I knew he was there. It wasn't my dream. 
A smile broadening as he looked at me, that was so perfect that no one would see it as fake. One look at him, I knew he still was the same.
Nothing had changed since that day, Absolutely nothing.
'Hi, How are you?' I asked, trying to make it as casual as possible
'Very good. how are you?'
'Good'
Problem is not with these questions, problem is how you proceed next after these questions. 
I was hoping he would speak up or I would leave then. There are these situations in life, one move one word, would bring everything back or hurt more than the first time. 
'In a hurry?' he asked, nervously playing with his hair. 
'Yes, yes' is what I wanted to scream- but 'no' is what blurted.
'Walk?' He still didn't leave his habit of one-word-conversations. 
'Yeah, fine.'

It was almost ten minutes,I think we were mentally playing around to decide who would be the ice-breaker. The whooshing sound of air, chirping of birds everything seem to be adding life to the scene, except that his voice would defiantly be the best of all. The best thing that could bring life to the scenario.
'How have you been?'he asked.
'Good. Moving about places. Meeting people. How about you?'
'Same.'
Should I ask him- I was battling in my head. Once I did, it hurt him more than anything. Nevertheless I did.
'How is she?' I asked.
 He stared at me, the same cold stare that hurt me four years ago. 'Can we sit down?' , he said to which I nodded.
On the soft grass I finally sat, seemed like the burden of my heart was put by my side. 
Suddenly the always silent guy, came back to life. ' She is very fine. Things are well between us, thinking of getting married this year and moving closer to south. She likes the sea, So I think its best we live there. You remember those earrings I saw at the store? She loved it. I gave them...'
He went on and on. I knew very well he was making it all up. 
I had been silent for long. Four years ago I should have done this, I regretted very badly. 'Shut up.' I said in a platonic tone.
He stopped abruptly. 'What?' he said.
I spoke clearly and slowly, stressing every word that I spoke. 'Just whom are you trying to convince, yourself or me?'
'I don't get you?'
I had had enough. 'Look, you might not have loved me. I did and I still do. I know every move of yours. How hard do you think it is for me to see beyond your lies? I know very well this is just a let out of your imaginations, none in real.'
He interrupted my volley of words. 'It is true.'
I broke him down before he could go on. 'It isn't. It wasn't true even when you said four years ago, and neither today. You said you were in a relationship, I knew you weren't. She never was yours. All of us tried to take you out of it. But you never were ready to accept it. You ended up hurting the girl who loved you the most, for someone you thought was important.'
'But....' he started.
'Let me finish. I will tell you what. Yes, I respected your feelings. I thought I should never hurt you. But you can't blow an air bubble and live in it thinking it is all truth. At some point someone has to some over burst it and tell you that its not so, so that you move on. I think even if it was rude, I should have slapped you four years ago and told you on your face that your 'so-called' relationship was over.' 
'It wasn't a relationship... It was..'
'See? You still live in that bubble. You know what? I feel very sorry for you. There are million ways people find happiness, but it all begins with the willingness to see things even if it isn't what you want to see. You wouldn't still accept it, would you? I'll send you the best wedding designers list then. Let me see how she marries you in a year.' I challenged him openly and stopped at that point. He dared not to open up, his game was up. 
The momentary silence in the air no longer echoed the whirlpool of emotions that we both were experiencing at that time.
I broke into tears ' I would have done anything for you, if you had given me a chance. I begged you, I pleaded you to let go of past. I promised you I would replace the memories. I promised you that the future would be so much better than the past, but you wouldn't let it be. You simply would go back to her, so that she could hurt you, but you wouldnt give me a chance to see if it worked. You adored me, but still let me go.'
I wiped my tears, they never seemed to make a difference to anyone.
'Past no matter how tormenting it is should be accepted first. That's what moving on is all about. And what is the point in loving someone, when the love becomes the cause for pain. Agreed that relationships are painful. But it should be worth the pain, ain't it? She is happy in her life, you are pining for her. And you call this a relationship?'
I stood up. 'Be happy in your relationship then. I will surely meet you four years later at the same place. Then tell me the same story, I'll nod and walk away.Cause I think I deserve only this. '
I let out a small laugh. 'Since ages I was trying hard to see what our relationship is. Now,I understand. This is our relationship'
I wiped the last tear. 'I only hope some girl if not me, has the real way to make you feel loved again. I miserably failed. Take care.'
I walked ahead. ' Wait' he said.
'I'll come along.' 
He walked by my side. 'Send me the wedding designers list. I might need them very soon.'



The best of whatever had to be bestowed in my life was probably sent in this year. 

Needless to say the best moment this year was undoubtedly this June 14- I finally got my first degree- Bachelors in Engineering-Automobile Engineering- So finally came down to Er.Swathi B.E. Waiting for the day when Er. becomes Dr. again :P Passion to learn is an addiction! Addiction to learning becomes a passion! Okay I am drifting off my topic. But still its an awesome feeling to see your drafted dreams become a reality. It was like I sketch it down, it jumps up to life. Of course, the story has its own ups and downs.

Next, ended up as one among the toppers, a straight answer to those people who questioned about my presence in Automotive stream. Girls can be good ones too. Mechanical Engineering is not a weight lifting competition that only guys can survive. It only needs passion.

Leaving Trichy was one of the nostalgic moments of my life, the place literally witnessed my transition from a school passout to professional. One of the most awesome places in the whole world bestowed with a divine charm of its own. Again of course, places don't become special unless people out there are. My college guys are the best of the whole lot in the world. Missing you guys a lot ra!

March11,2013, Naresh gave me that BMW keychain. Again a perfect moment. Still working on getting in there da, N I promise you and myself that come what may I will someday! Hopefully the sooner, the better. Such a charm know it is to discuss and see the future with friends. Remember our Audi car gifts and holiday plans? Someday, every single one will come true guys :) Gautham, Kna and Mo, that mokka movie cum drive trip was probably one of the last time we guys met before we literally ran to different corners of the world. You guys are still meeting, but I'm waiting to come back and catch up at Coffee Day. Ah! You guys remember the CCD chats when all of us had no idea what we were going to do next? Waiting for results and whenever there was a power cut in our locality, a conference call and we are out on the streets! Ha ha! Those phases can't come again at all! M glad you guys are in contact with me even after coming in here. And to the one who found his lady love, my best wishes! To love and be loved back is one of the best feeling in the world. Guard her with all your life! And to the lady, you are adorable :) Hold him steady in your life! Oh and by the way, The only new year gift I want from you guys- Stop irritating me :P  And be with me forever! Mo thanks for all the late night mokka calls!! :)

Renault-Nissan internship with Ashfaq, bhai- Best times, they were. Somehow reminded me of school days. It was such a fun working with you. Thank you for being there during that phase- You know why it was a ruckus, I am glad you showed me the greater things of life. I never take up your take-it-easy attitude no matter how long I know you, hopefully some day I will be the perfect sis, like my perfect bro. Oh, by the way, Should I spill the beans now? Nah! I'll let you do that, Congratulations and good luck once again for your next endeavor!

Masters in Systems Engineering at Lufbra was again one of the glorious moments of my life. I never really wrote on what happened during that phase, because it was in a state of chaos. I got my visa approved on 29, I left on 31st. Just in two days, the transition from India to UK was over. My passion literally pulled me across half of the world! 

I know that actually out there, there are a lot of people who are super annoyed about the fact that I didn't tell them about my departure to UK. Ah! Without describing this phase, the year literally is incomplete. I had only two days between my visa arrival and departure to UK. One day I spent getting my bank loan and other paper works done. Half of the day I spent in shopping, yes half and actually that was fine for my style of shopping lol. And half in packing. I came off in such a rush that my mom didn't have time to cry. She didn't.

Bro, Dad and Mom- The only three people who came to send me off at airport. Thanks bro, you came inspite of such a bad health. You are the best! Wish I could come back and fight for remote. Or you could team up with that useless friends of mine and pull my leg. I'll be back, sooner than you expect, with your MAN-U stuff :D 

Dad, how do I even put it? Just thank you, You have been my pillar of strength. Thanks mostly, for letting me go on with whatever I wanted to do. For trusting me and having faith, that I never can be wrong.

Mom. Where do I even start? Like okay, I am a coward. You know it. Uthra knows it. I gave up everyday this september that I was going to come to UK. I still remember that conversation Uthra when you told me 'Trust me, I wish I had it, I wouldn't have even given a thought. I would give you.' The words still ring in my ear. I knew very well you would have done anything for me. Cz more than anyone else you and mom knew very well, if I didn't move out then, I was going to be in some strange depression. Mom, Thank you every time I gave up, you not babysat me, but also found solution to every problem. Be it the financial stuff, my accommodation, my visa, my food, my temper tantrums, my mood swings, my tears, my relationship issues, my fears everything. I do make fun of you whenever you say that you miss me. But I do miss you too. Par mein itni senti achi nahi lagti na, toh tum mera part bhi kar lo. :P

Aravind, lots of silly things, but best was when we met at Dominoes and you helped me with UK stuff. We essentially aren't in touch but you know how and when to reach me! It is a pleasure knowing you buddy, Cheers!

To the most useless lazy and super-intelligent friend of mine, Prem, for God's sake, shut down those games some time and talk to people da! Wish you were in your hostel, so that you spoke normally, like what normal people do. :P Anyways Congratulations for MS! USA just got lucky, having yo! ;) :)

One of the amazing persons I met this year was Sree Vidya. I donot actually get along with a lot of girls, but you are super-special. Thanks for all the fun during the 'ride' for movie with Uthra and the 'shopping' tips. I still do not use them anyway :D

My junior Prasanna, Dubai trip on due for 2016 dec re. Before that come down to UK. Missing all those times when we used to drive around the random roads of Chennai.

Nisarg, Ashish and Siddharth.. Me and Divya are indebted to you guys for the favour you guys did, even before knowing us. Thank you! :)
Sasi and Shashank I am flawed a lot, Thank you for still being there. Hope to have loads of good times ahead!
Abhishek, for all the professional help and being my 'friend at work' Thank you!!
Jaina- Sleepovers! I m telling you there is a sleep drug in the air of John Philips, thats why I end up sleeping in the movies that we see. :P
Jaina,Dheeraj and Abrar- You guys are awesome! Can't thank you enough for the day at London! And Abrar the Italian dessert was actually too good!

Oh and the Keralite doll who got married, Preethi. Yours was definetly one awesome wedding!!! Congrats again and my best wishes :)

Okay three people at the end, just like every year.

Divya- Right from providing a shoulder to cry on, a ride back home, a quick hug during the moments of fear, a smiley filled text message, a cute edit of our pictures whenever I'm down, supporting me even when I'm wrong, telling me that you do love me (lol), late night love stories,hanging around in university, last minute shopping plans, randomly clicking pictures around deserted streets, roaming in new cities, providing me with soo many friends in UK, sharing every little secret of yours, celebrating occasions and most of all- Trusting me! The Dubai transit, Visit to Leicester and of course your birthday were our best moments d. Come back soon from India, I do miss you. But please bring all that I asked for, or else I'll send you back. lol

Uthra, Jitna tere baare me likha hai na, utna toh main kabhi engineering me bhi nahi likhti..lol. With years the bonding is becoming more beautiful aint it? Your sister's marriage and your tears are still in memory. Tu dikahti nahi har par tu meri mom type senti hi hai lol. Thank you for pushing me into the water, I learnt to swim. It was your confidence that I wouldn't drown that instilled my faith. Please marry someone, so that I can go to Kerala. For I'm pretty sure you won't take me otherwise. lol Agey kya bolun, some of your gifts are ready, I'll bring em sooooon!! Thanks for seeing me at my worst and still thinking that I am the best :)

By now if you aren't annoyed that your name didn't pop up, I am pretty sure I failed. Nevertheless you wouldn't admit. I was saving the last one for you. Our life's have begun to run on parallel roads don't they? Last year this time, you called me up and told me, you wanted to take off. I literally thought you never were going to make it. But then, you did. You surpassed my expectations. Sigh! Expressing gratitude has never been this difficult. Okay, so here it goes. Right from when I met you in Trichy till your transition from MBA plans to taking a job and quitting it in less than a week and finally your MS plans, I never really thought you would be of this help to me! But the minute I decided that Loughborough was my destination, you took care of everything in here. From money transfer to ticket booking to accommodation hunt to places to eat, to online work till banking, you told me what was right and what was wrong. Of course, somethings fall out of place, do not blame yourself for that. And ya, history tells me that not a lot of people can actually handle my depressions and mood swings. As much as I annoyed my mom saying that I never was gonna make it to UK, I annoyed you too. I know, during the transitional phase, I literally spoke about the same issue, every minute and you still patiently listened and said that I was going to make it- Means a lot. Thank you most importantly for taking time off your schedule and tending to my work. Be it back from home or in here. The best gift that anyone can give another person is just time. I know I ate up a lot of your free time.lol And anyways I did type most of your reports, so its fair enough I guess :D And again thanks for teaching me how to be happy! That's something I owe you big time, Sathya.
Sometimes appreciating the little things people do is very important in life, and I guess every small issue, plan or problem that you told me, obviously made a lot of difference. So, here's hoping we have an professionally tough yet fun filled year ahead buddy, Cheers!


Lastly, a big Thanks to all those people who have finally decided that they will move out of my life and let others come in. It hurts that people aren't ready to apologize even when you are ready to forgive, nevertheless time which reveals also heals. If people want you in their life, they will make an effort to stay or else let them go away.

2013 does look good on a review note. Inspite of the fact that I couldnt really have a good birthday or that I couldn't celebrate my MS admission or I had many bad days, The ending seems fabulous!
And when the bad days are gone, it's better not to look back and focus ahead I guess!!
Well, what more can I say? Plan your perfect ending at 31.12.13 11:59 pm and a perfect beginning at 1.1.14 12:01 am! May the same happiness spread all through the year. My words are my good wishes for you!

So here's hoping that all of us have good stuff to pen down in the next 365 days!

Once again, A very happy new year

Loads of Love,
Swathi

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That it will never come again is what makes life more and more Interesting… It takes real good time to understand me.. And sometimes, Even people who understand me fail to get whatever I mean… For people who don’t know about me, I’m A fun-loving, friendly, Optimistic, Jovial, Out-going girl… Sometimes shy when the whole crowd is new…. But I get along with people very soon….. I have a lot of friends who consider me an important part of their life… I cheer up people very easily when they are sad…. I like Indian culture.. I Like analyzing characters… Emotions and Science are what I consider awesome Books are My best buddies...... i Read a hell lot of them...... Some of my friends think I can be a good listener… I can listen patiently… But even I can talk a lot… Its hard to get under my skin.. I always find out what people are upto very easily... I don intend to But it doesnot get out of my view I’m not very caring, Very friendly and all but I’m very naughty… My mood swings a lot… And finally, what matters is What U Know About Me And Not What U Read Over Here :)

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