She was walking up and down the stair case. She couldn't take it for long. The realisation had finally dawned on her. He was gone. Gone, forever. What she had feared the worst had happened. It was dawning to her. She needn't have to call him, leave him texts or think about when they are going to meet next or what she had to gift him.
What had happenend she didn't understand. 'Another girl? My place? Impossible ever!' She threw the newspaper and walked along to fetch cartons of milk.
And her friends had called up the next minute. How she wished she never attended them! They were 'his' friends, not 'hers' or 'ours'. One could obviously expect them to take his side not hers.
'Yes, I know its over. I know I gotto leave. Yes I don't care. Okay, I know you are there. Bye.' She had hung the phone, put it down so that no one could call her. Nobody died back home, no sympathy was necessary. She took the decisions, she was facing the consequences, she thought.
She thought she was strong enough to let it go. Something that probably seven years ago started off a friendship. SOmething that way in between became love for her, it was friendship for him. And then that day, her dream came true. Something became something else and today, today everything is gone, Poooh!
There was no mandatory breakup rules that the relationship books she read had suggested. Like what should be done in commitment is clear, what do you do after you break up? You cry! She didn't have to. She knew she had to live with it or die. Dying wasn't an option at all. Now that living has been decided it should better be done in a proper way rather than in bits, pieces and regrets.
'Yes', she thought as she was cleaning her book shelf.' Lets live life like it never happened before. Boy I am single again, that is Awesome.' She thought.
There were no gifts that required to be thrown, for he never gave her any.
No sweet texts to be deleted, for he never sent her any.
Lot of chocolate wrappers and lots of memories though required to be deleted.
Slowly she sat on tele-vision. 'How is it that when we decide we have to forget something, every thing around us reminds us of the same?' She wondered. Looking at the scene on tv where the guy was softly kissing his girl on her forehead. 'Shit.' she mouthed, as she realised that it wasnt going to be easy.
Time was 11:00
It was the time he would call her upa nd say that he missed his mom.
She would say one day they will be together.
Me. You. Mom -Us.
'Shit' she again thought. ' No, no no, dont let it take over you.'
In all the hassle and drama she had forgot to call her mom, and as a result a tirade of emotional pourdown was ensured when her mom spoke. 'What do you bother about? I really dont understand how he even puts up with you. You hardly have any timefor yourself.' She had cut, ensuring that I was even more guilty.
'The problem with people is that they remind us of all right things at the wrong times.'
She decided to let music take over her. A disastrous decision. One shouldnot bolster on music. The lyrics.
It was killing her.
She was beating back the first drop of tear that was fluttering down her eyelid. 'No, no, no' she thought.
'Its just not worth it.' She speeled out loud and clear. It was a difficult thing to say, if she wanted to convince the world, or herself. Herself, maybe.
It was time for lunch. She remembered how he used to call her and ensured she ate her meal. 'The worst part is the battle in the heads. Why doesn't it let me go?' she thought.
She spoke to herself. 'It's done. Now you eat. Nobody bothers. No, no remember, we decided to live.'
Sometimes at some points of time in your life, you just wish to let go. Let go of everything that you ever had, everything you done, everything you spoke and felt. It's like you would take an eraser and remove every dirt in your life, so that it becomes picture perfect. But does it?
It doesn't, sadly. That night had been the most terrible to her. Her head was debating in confusions refusing to let her sleep for a minute. She tossed turned tumbled, but no, it wudn't let her sleep. Why? Why me? she thought the whole night. She slept for some time, but as she woke up, she realised she had cried. She regretted crying.
That was just the beginning. She regretted everything.Calling him, speaking her heart out. Letting him know of all her weakness, he had exploited her in and out. Regrets, it was tumbling down.
She stumbled on her path as she felt that her attitude wasn't helping her much, infact not even a bit. She could see the fact that it was over. She could believe it. It wasn't like she was running away. But she was hurt, very deeply hurt.
It was like she was shown the seven seas the whole world and heaven and then they said, she couldn't have it. The pain crushed her from inside. It wasn't fair. Hearts and brains take decisions but every part of the body has to suffer the consequences.
And her good friends would say that she was an angel and her prince charming was on his way.
She would reply politely : 'The first love, you have in life, gives you the best feeling. Butterfiles, colours, excitement, hushes, blushes and whispers. The second one is just love, love like love. It cannot take the first place. The ignorance, innocence and charm. No way!'
One cannot believe that things can happen the right way, after they have gone wrong.
The trust, of course, cannot come over just like that.
She realised that she wasn't strong enough. She was weak, very weak. Anybody asks anything she was going to break.
By the way, why do they call it break up? Shouldn't it be break down? I mean ya, amybe the person who cheated might be up. They might have suggested in his perspective.
She threw away ever gadget and took off. Choices have consequences. She chose, she was bearing the brunt. She did not feel like meeting or speaking to anyone. She had lost every bit of confidence she ever had. She couldn't look at herself in the mirror. She was afraid, very afraid of her very own reflection. She couldn't answer any question that was asked to her.
Millions of thoughts were swimming in her head.
Was she a fool, to be used and thrown apart?
Was she too mature to let it go?
Was she too bad that she deserved this?
What happened to her life?
She was the one who took all the decisions, made sure it was perfect. And suddenly, it was as if someone had cursed her and she had no hold on it. She wanted to be happy. She wanted to smile like it never hurt. She wanted to take off like she never fell down. But it didn't let her. Let her fly. Things were weighing her down. A lot of things. Memories.
She was wondering how come she let things take over her so much. She hated herself, it wasn't like her to let emotions take over her. She didn't like her attitude and the way things were going.
Whenever she tried to battle out and move on her way, things pulled her down. Boy, one would never realise that so many things held up two people in a relationship, until they are far apart.
And most of all, the temptation. That was the worst feeling. The temptation to apologise beg or do whatever to bring things back to normal. It is important to do anything to get the things that one wants in life, but it is more important to let go off the things that one doesn't want. Bad habits. Bad people. No no.
'I am no commodity' she thought. 'One can't treat me this way.'
The best part is that as time heals, it also reveals. The truth came out in fascinating means and ways.Evey truth. Probably it was a process of self-destruction or may be induced. You run away from it, it chases you, makes sure you are dead. And then you muster up courage, pull your socks and move ahead. It again kills you down. Squat. And then you decide to face it, it might run away. Probably. But who has faced it? she thought.
She got all the dreams she wanted to. Slowly, she was pulling herself out of it. Maybe too early too late. She didn't know. But it was happening she was glad.
The good thing about all the bad things that happens to every individual in a life time is that they teach us the best concepts- in their own special way. Slapping us on our face. Pity, we could learn them before. 'I wish I did' she thought.
If wishes were horses, even beggars would ride. Its all about getting up, she said to herself, finally pacifying her head not to ask her anything.
Life becomes beautiful, once you decide you don't care. She thought.
Penned down by,
Sti :)
Hoping you find your happiness today!
