All that you wanted to know

And then you see that, just like when the morning sun starts pouring down your usual joggers trek. The journey seems dull and lifeless at the start, with darkness all around and your unwillingness to move. Then you begin to step ahead, you feel better; take a few steps more you feel like you can survive. Then just when you are about to give up saying that this normalcy is going to depress the days ahead and no hope remains- It happens. Just like the rising sun slows erases the darkness whilst the dawn, happiness blooms in your life. You take a step ahead thinking, Hmm- Lets see if it gets better. Then more happiness. Then as you get mesmerised by the slow changes, you suddenly realise that how darkness has completely vanished and the reddish orange sun is blazing in all its glory.

The same color reflects on the facial blush, as the smile grew from one ear to another. There is no ecstatic feeling than the realisation that you are happy without the one thing that you longed for. The smiles become frequent, the blush roots deeper. There is always a little kid in us, nomatter-how-old-you-get.24-it-makes-you-behave like you like 2 and 4. 26 makes you behave like 2 and 6. One longs for that fleeting happiness, no matter where it resides, those laughters that echo through the green meadows, those hushes and whisphers that remind us of the chime of the waves, the silence that traverses through the wood, the fresh chirp of the birds and the faint gloat of fog. 

And then, there are those days when you felt you never have to dream, because this is what reality is all about, its about pain. Then you find the little reason to get the upward curve.

Love.

Affection in any of the form is very subtle, before you know it creates ripples around. And love that blooms through hatred is unique of its kind. Its like you already have a million reasons why the person annoys the hell out of your life. The voice that echoes through the entire chamber, per contra never speak a word to you. If affectionate stares could kill, we’d all be dead someday. The feeling of jealousy that rages ahead, as random strangers kindle conversations and strike bonds, even as these star-crossed lovers seek solace in silence. If words could explain the depths they feel for each other, I think even they would fall short apart. The casual stares, unexplained gestures, silent winks, meant apologies, subtle ignorance, unexplained care, meeting gazes and fleeting paces in the walks of life- This probably is the most beautiful phase of any relationship.

There ideally is never a may I? Should I? Is this right phase?- in the utmost form of love. You fall knowing its meant to be. Even when it walks backward, you bring it back on track. You fight for the things that you love. Nothing comes easy. 

Not even the destination as you jog. You long for light, then the heat turns up. You begin to jog harder. The light that you wished for in the life begins to cause annoyance that you wish it was dark. One can never fathom the whims and fancies of the human mind. Always longing for the one that it shan’t have. I need light. I need dark. No, I need light. Well dark seems better. Whatever it is light or dark, one never gets to quit moving. 

And one shouldn’t either. This is the palette of our life. There are shades of grey and shades of blue too. Someday you bask in sunshine, sometimes you dwindle in moonlight, whatever it might be fight for all the things you need with all your might.

It is very important for us to realize if we are in love with the person, the idea of love overall or in love with the mirage that we have etched in our hearts. Most of us aren’t sure if we really need the one thing that we are chasing about or fighting for. The fluttering of hearts and enchantingly complaining lips would mute if you aren’t sure if this is what its supposed to be like. As heart breaking it is, its important to realize that something’s aren’t meant to be and something’s are. Let go of those who don’t belong to you.

Ironically, hold on tight to those who do. One spends traversing many miles wondering if they should or not. You don’t find love. It finds you. And when it does, you need to let it take over your life. One step can lead to many wonders. But the willingness to soar ahead with someone should glorify the path.

Lastly, past weighs in all of our life. We all have a emotional baggage that we are never willing to unpack. The rash decisions that we took, the expectations that gloomed into disappointments, the care that was taken as trouble, the emotional shatters and everything. One can never format and restart the life. One shouldn’t as well, the pain moulds us into the right forms. The least one can do is, when someone is willing to walk along, take their hand and move ahead. Brooding over pain and spreading hatred isn’t the way one should lead the life. You end up being that one person whom you hated all long.

Because you never know when subconsciously treat someone the way you never wanted to be treated. 

Because you never know, when you will become that devil, that you always warned others of. The devil that remained aloof to other’s emotions. 

Half way through, reigning in togetherness, the journey renews. Doesn’t matter whether its dawn or dusk, the togetherness will always bloom. In darker days, world lights up in smiles. In sunny days, the blush casts a shade of sky.

The illusion of destinations might seem beautiful, but how good is it if its sans love. Sometimes the triumph of eternal love doesn’t begin with the cupid’s arrow. It begins with hi and hello.

Lastly, Love the heart that hurts you, don’t hurt the heart that loves you. 

Love,

Sti :)

Mesmerised by the moves of the world!

Now not that I didn’t get adisclaimer about all this, as I entered the 23-25 age group. Being a girl,minus any relationship/boyfriend worth fighting for, is like a challenge in itself I guess.  The word better put- Arranged marriage.

Don’t get me wrong- I am not withfancy notions saying that how can a person in this century go for somethinglike arranged marriage- A guy chosen by parents? Sleeping with stranger?No.Arranged marriages are fine too. Some of us are probably meant to meet thatway. And as far as I see, they end up living without killing each other for awhile too. So, its okay. Oh and by the way, the fact is if you could havesearched and found a better person. But most of us are useless when it comes tothat- some of us are bad guy magnets, some guys are all about straightenedhairs and fair faces – You know what I mean. Some of us wouldn’t take the firststep at all. There are all categories of us in this weird world. In our heads,we may have been married like ten years ago, or picturising a life forty yearsfrom now on, but zooming out of all that the fact is today you are single.

By now, a few of would probablygrasping the essence of where I am trying to head. Like my mom for instancedreams of my marriage every single day, the only thing is that when it is timeto see the face of the guy, she ends up waking up. “Just miss, agar paanchminute aur hota toh aaj pata chal jaata kaun who insaan hai”. If you have heardthis dialogue (or any of this similar conversation at home), then my dear thestorm is heading your way too.

It isnt again a storm, more likea shower, if you look good. It all starts there. Now again, the conventionswith arranged marriage havent changed much, have they? If there is one thingthat I really feel like complaining to God (except the manufacturing defects insome people), is that the bad things that people have are shown at the firstinstance one sees them, why is the goodness hidden so deep in? The crookedteeth, geeky glasses, funny walk, scanty hair, pimple face, fat face, darkface, awkward teeth and what not? If you think you look ok, just walk by nearcosmetic section in any shopping mall, in nano seconds they’ll tell everything that’swrong in your face. Right from you know, your nose looks like a nose, tilleverything!! Wonder how their recruitment is done, what do they test! Anyways, Idon’t understand the way the girl’s family looks skeptically at the guy andvice versa. Not like everyone in your family except the one who is going tocome in now, look like Calvin-Klein models? I cant see that anyway

People being at their personalbest on that one day, amazes me. You are human, so am I. I am going to beabsolutely horrible most of the time after a while. I am going to complain, cryand hurt you more than you ever imagined. That’s what love does. Not beingsaddistic, but eventually you are going to rough days.  If you are destined to then, you fall in love,fight in the right battle.

There is another perception overhere. For any kind of love, for that matter. You sometimes aren’t in love, evenif you think so. Not let me correct myself, you don’t fall in love with person,you fall in love with the image of this person in your head. We all grew uplearning the wrong Math, 4.52345 doesn’t become 5 after severe rounding up.Zoom in, it still would be 4.52345. No matter how much compare her with theimage in your head and convince it’s the same, the gap would glow eventually. Thatis what I jovially tell my friends as ROR phase- Realisation of Reality :P,followed by ROR again- Reminder of Reality. The people who fall in love withthe image in their head and not the person, are visually challenged. Andmentally too, to be brutally honest. They simply cant sense what the realityis. Like for instance, the girl might have told at the start that she is notgoing to go ahead with it if her parents don’t accept, you listen record anddump it in the back of you head. The part where she said ‘I love you’, echoes24*7 doesn’t it though. Eventually when she moves on, you end up saying shecheated on you. My dear one, even TV AD’s have got a *Disclaimer on the bottom. Read it, or elsesomeday they will own your house. :D Saddest part is this causes catastrophicdamage, post breakup.

You know when first google talkwas introduced; I for once found it very stupid. First you need to know theE-mail id of the person you need to speak to, then you need to send them arequest, then they need to come online, they need to accept it. As if all thisnot enough, both of you need to be online at the same time to speak. To me, thatmeant minimising roadrash, getting an internet connection, sitting and staringat the stupid icon to turn green. Theoretically, I thought the probability of twopeople being online at the same time was very very low. Now I understand why Iam single :P Anyways, looking at my FB chat list today, I am the idiot. I amjust thinking, if the probablity of somechat can be this good so quickly, then probably connecting to your destined oneis probably improving. For a few of us, its at snails pace, but still progressis progress!! :D

All I want to wind up saying isthat all of us have our insecurities, some large, some small, some prettyevident, some ambiguous. I know what mine are, you know what yours is. In yourquest to find love via arranged marriage, don’t end up rejecting people citingtheir insecurities. You are killing someone alive. People wont forget what yousaid and how it made them feel. Never. Such thoughts hover around likenightmares. Say no diligently, agreed that you don’t have to be nice to anyone.But if five minutes or half a day is how long your paths are interwined, thentread either with love or silence. Don’t brew hatred. And to all my dearfriends, you don’t have to change yourself a bit. We all have flaws in and out,that’s what makes us unique. No guy can format your nature keeping looks asconstant, or vice versa. 

You don’t fall in love with someones looks, you fallin love with their thoughts, the way their face lights up in happiness or theway they smile as they dance or their brains. Not just looks.

To the dearest ones, who all havetheir big days lined up, even if any guy says no, I will always be around, I promise. Crookedteeth smiles are always good for selfies and fat people are great to hug! :)

Love,

Sti :)

Could traces of delight draw lines of empathy, I wonder. 

Basking down the dim-lit lane, flashes of light brought in fleeting memories as well. Sometimes of distress, sometimes smiles, but mostly memories. Ah, and dreams. One can never forget the dreams, aint it? No matter how hard you break down, those little wishes, still keep the life in you. Its ridiculous, we human proclaim that we never believe any good thing can happen to us, when one small thing goes wrong, but then the hope, the glint of hope keeps one on the shore, sans drowning.

I looked at the restaurant as I passed by. Was it in my head or did the mirrors actually reflect my dreamy past? I didnt know, the woman I had was probably what everyone earned for. But I was a man, probably I was designed to be unfaithful. Such a shame, that I couldnt treasure what I longed for and pushed it to the point, where it broke.

She, a woman, more stronger than what I believe, more patient than I deserved. Probably perseverance should have been her middle name. I lit my cigar, it sure was a cold evening. What felt colder than everything was my heart probably. Cigars couldnt remove the feel, anyways.

I was wondering if everyone had this or was it just me. Does everyone change when you get love? Does the feeling wear off? Was I not a good man?

 How do people find the ones whom they are supposed to live with and decide to do anything for them. Compatability? I wonder. I was mentally mapping a picture where I say sorry and everything makes sense.

But, Sorry?

Apologies dont have to be said, they need to be felt. 

And unsaid guilt eats you away.More faster with every passing day.

I no longer knew if I wanted her to come back. Fifteen plus years is a long time. When she left what did she say, Ah, That she felt free. Nothing bound her to our relationship. But love had gone. Probably it didnt want to go, but I pushed it away. With every slap, every hit, it just went away.

Thinking about it, did she have the hope too? Probably she did, with every passing day, she thought some day I would become normal again. Like the first time we laughed. But I became the beast.

Hey wait a minute- what did I call myself beast , Am I really a beast? No, I didnt love her, so it was all in her head isnt it? I didnt ask her to do a thing, but still she did. I didnt ask her to care but she did. Actually, why couldn't I love her. I know now. She thought she was taken in a relationship, but she was taken- Taken for granted.

Did a few tears really pour down now? I knew I would miss her, when she left. Nobody bothered about me that much. But when did I become this person?

I didnt imagine this picture of mine any day. I have fallen low in my eyes. Every thing she told as she left makes sense now.

"I'm sorry you had to lose your love." I said that day, when she was whimpering in tears. 

She composed herself and spelled out clearly, "You think I am sorry for losing my love." She paused, letting out a small laugh. It was theaterical I must admit. I hadn't heard anything beyond her yes in a while. "I am sorry that I respected someone who didnt deserve one ounce of it. I am sorry that I wasted my time, running beyond trivial issues. Women need to bolster the relationship, that's absolutely right. But you cant become the roots of a weed, when you are destined to be the one for a tree."

I had laughed that day. I was the one who was rejecting her and she thought I wasn't good enough.

"One day, you will turn around and finally see the true ruffian image beyond your perception. The day you do, you will remember me."

She paused as I looked at her blankly.

"And I wont come back, Come what may!"

She said as she left.

It was true, the day had come I felt. Lonely. That was the word. I didnt realise that I had changed so much. Growing up, I was a teenager who wanted a normal love, and a normal life. A yet another classic story of happiness.

Happiness.

I didnt know where it was.

Regret want a good felling at all. I was uncomfortable, something was bothering me. "People need to be happy with what they have and I have you and I am happy", she used to say, everytime I slept next to her, after a volley of blows. "But what hurts is the bruises of reality. Every time I look at myself" Yes, she did try to talk sense into my head, but I didn't heed. 

Why didnt she slap me back, I wonder. That would have hurt less, than today.

I guess the world is just of two kinds of people. One, who are too understanding about the importance of relationships and donot hesitate in taking the first step and go to any extent for the ones they love. And two who have all the above, plus an overdose of ego and arrogance, spoiling the fabric of relationships.

She was that and I was this.

Hmm, Ours indeed was a perfect match!

The calls of his end where probably waiting for the realisation of his errors. Once it was done, the stars probably dimmed a little. 

Now that he was one among them.

Penned by,

Sti

Shiny Diamonds and Broken Glasses Do Cut.