Could traces of delight draw lines of empathy, I wonder.
Basking down the dim-lit lane, flashes of light brought in fleeting memories as well. Sometimes of distress, sometimes smiles, but mostly memories. Ah, and dreams. One can never forget the dreams, aint it? No matter how hard you break down, those little wishes, still keep the life in you. Its ridiculous, we human proclaim that we never believe any good thing can happen to us, when one small thing goes wrong, but then the hope, the glint of hope keeps one on the shore, sans drowning.
I looked at the restaurant as I passed by. Was it in my head or did the mirrors actually reflect my dreamy past? I didnt know, the woman I had was probably what everyone earned for. But I was a man, probably I was designed to be unfaithful. Such a shame, that I couldnt treasure what I longed for and pushed it to the point, where it broke.
She, a woman, more stronger than what I believe, more patient than I deserved. Probably perseverance should have been her middle name. I lit my cigar, it sure was a cold evening. What felt colder than everything was my heart probably. Cigars couldnt remove the feel, anyways.
I was wondering if everyone had this or was it just me. Does everyone change when you get love? Does the feeling wear off? Was I not a good man?
How do people find the ones whom they are supposed to live with and decide to do anything for them. Compatability? I wonder. I was mentally mapping a picture where I say sorry and everything makes sense.
But, Sorry?
Apologies dont have to be said, they need to be felt.
And unsaid guilt eats you away.More faster with every passing day.
I no longer knew if I wanted her to come back. Fifteen plus years is a long time. When she left what did she say, Ah, That she felt free. Nothing bound her to our relationship. But love had gone. Probably it didnt want to go, but I pushed it away. With every slap, every hit, it just went away.
Thinking about it, did she have the hope too? Probably she did, with every passing day, she thought some day I would become normal again. Like the first time we laughed. But I became the beast.
Hey wait a minute- what did I call myself beast , Am I really a beast? No, I didnt love her, so it was all in her head isnt it? I didnt ask her to do a thing, but still she did. I didnt ask her to care but she did. Actually, why couldn't I love her. I know now. She thought she was taken in a relationship, but she was taken- Taken for granted.
Did a few tears really pour down now? I knew I would miss her, when she left. Nobody bothered about me that much. But when did I become this person?
I didnt imagine this picture of mine any day. I have fallen low in my eyes. Every thing she told as she left makes sense now.
"I'm sorry you had to lose your love." I said that day, when she was whimpering in tears.
She composed herself and spelled out clearly, "You think I am sorry for losing my love." She paused, letting out a small laugh. It was theaterical I must admit. I hadn't heard anything beyond her yes in a while. "I am sorry that I respected someone who didnt deserve one ounce of it. I am sorry that I wasted my time, running beyond trivial issues. Women need to bolster the relationship, that's absolutely right. But you cant become the roots of a weed, when you are destined to be the one for a tree."
I had laughed that day. I was the one who was rejecting her and she thought I wasn't good enough.
"One day, you will turn around and finally see the true ruffian image beyond your perception. The day you do, you will remember me."
She paused as I looked at her blankly.
"And I wont come back, Come what may!"
She said as she left.
It was true, the day had come I felt. Lonely. That was the word. I didnt realise that I had changed so much. Growing up, I was a teenager who wanted a normal love, and a normal life. A yet another classic story of happiness.
Happiness.
I didnt know where it was.
Regret want a good felling at all. I was uncomfortable, something was bothering me. "People need to be happy with what they have and I have you and I am happy", she used to say, everytime I slept next to her, after a volley of blows. "But what hurts is the bruises of reality. Every time I look at myself" Yes, she did try to talk sense into my head, but I didn't heed.
Why didnt she slap me back, I wonder. That would have hurt less, than today.
I guess the world is just of two kinds of people. One, who are too understanding about the importance of relationships and donot hesitate in taking the first step and go to any extent for the ones they love. And two who have all the above, plus an overdose of ego and arrogance, spoiling the fabric of relationships.
She was that and I was this.
Hmm, Ours indeed was a perfect match!
The calls of his end where probably waiting for the realisation of his errors. Once it was done, the stars probably dimmed a little.
Now that he was one among them.
Penned by,
Sti
Shiny Diamonds and Broken Glasses Do Cut.
