All that you wanted to know

So three days for 2014 to wrap up. Have been reading 2013, 2012, 2011 and in fact 2009 reviews before deciding to pen this one.

 It absolutely isn't easy as you go down, aint it? As I was mentioning to one of my pals before, when I was 18 something, I read a book which stated that 'As you grow up, your friend list might increase, but the number of friends whom you can actually trust goes down.' How stupid of me to think that I would be spared. How retarded I could be to think, if we try forever could happen. It should be from both ends, mostly it turns out to be single handed effort.

Well, Years review - Started off with New Year Eve at London eye, One thing I ticked off my wishlist. Nothing else matters, except when you see the sky glow with the fireworks, seems like all good things are meant to be just yours in this wide vast world. As the glint and cheer spread across the crowd, seeing people- you get the zeal to live, look forward. That's how it was,not sure how much I expected it to turn out like. Wasnt sure if it was good decision to go. But after seeing it live on 01.01.14- 12:01 AM, nothing mattered. It's like, you feel you are the center of the world. Absolutely nothing else matters. 

After the glorious note usual schedule stuck. Oh , here is something that you I probably refrained from mentioning in the internet. That I worked in Domino's. I dont really care, if you say, 'Oh, why did she have to go to UK to do all this, Instead----' with the Plan -B options of yours for my life. I do not want it. In fact, it was the best decision, Once you strive hard to earn that penny, you wouldn't complain of spending an hour of extra work at your core job. Networked with so many people out there, one I clearly remember was a widow. She used to always smile and tell me, ' You have a choice to progress, use it wisely.' That's true, aint it? Its what we study for, for getting the choice.  Ended up saving much, and my first gift to dad, for his hobby, DSLR camera. Yes, I am freaking proud about that :) Its not everyday when you can save that much, can you? 

Oh and no, before you ponder, I did not lie when I said I was a part time tutor as well. Now that was an interesting venture, for one- you can check and compare Indian & British syllabus and second, I actually used to visit some of my students home for sessions. Its easy being a tutor comparatively in India, coz you have parents support. If the kid doesnt listen to you, you literally donot have to do anything. The mum's eyes would already be rolling :P But in here, kids have their independence. You won't believe it, there was a kid who actually said that he 'felt lazy' and feels like doing it later. This was a good and in a way bad attitude - Good since they learn to say a no, when they feel it. I know people in corporate, who still do not stand up for what they want. That is essential, aint it? You know, the best of tutoring sessions I had was with Pakistani joint family, used to teach a couple of cousins. Best part- Like Indian culture, they keep feeding you until you say no, and even after that. And trust me I was a big fan of Kerala adapradhaman and semiya kheer, but hands down Pakistani version is class apart- God knows how they do that! Ok, Enough of food :P 

It was and it always is quite a challenge to keep the balance uptight, between part time and course activities. Loughborough, especially my course was perfect for that. Of course, there were a few part time sessions I bunked for sleeping in and hanging out. But there was never a class or meeting I missed due to part time. The balance was intact.

First half at Loughborough was fun, second half turned out to be serious. Dissertation- Placements- Internship and the next big question, are we going back home after the course is over in Sep or what next? Thankfully, I got an internship at Jaguar Land Rover. Another thing ticked off my wishlist. Its not everyday you get to hang around with F-types and Landrovers, aint it? One of the most dynamic environments, with a pool of very talented individuals. You actually see people living with those principles that you thought were in books and could never be implemented in real scenario. Like Optimism and being professional. JLR groomed into a better person and honestly I see way down the lane how I want to be. Five years from now on. Ten. Twenty. There were people whom I literally wanted to turn out to be like. Attitude- wise, Authority- wise and literally everything. Its hard to find inspiration these days, people fall short in one aspect or other, but JLR was perfection to my eyes :)

One more thing worth mentioning is the newspaper article. Not everyday you make it to Page-3 :P Hope this isnt the last one :) 

So, done with Masters. Flew down to home to spend time with family at the moment. For questions on what next, well, Will say you super soon! Lips sealed till then :P

Like they say, there is more than what meets the eye. This is probably one of the years where I got acquainted with the maximum number of people. Some became close, some decided to move apart. Well, whatever. But a few, I know I owe a lot. From this point forward, it is for you guys.

Swapna- Karthik : I miss you both. I miss those pointless chat and Swap- your awesome cooking. Thank you being there around, always to listen, for the movies, shopping, help, advice, care. Helping me out emotionally financially and for every morsel of food I ate back at your place- Will never forget the favours you did. A big Thanks! I know you are settled in your career now, I wish you both stay blessed and have a great time ahead :)

Abul, Mahi and Vicky anna- This would probably be from both me and Divya. Right RD? For you guys have been the people worth trusting. We had so much fun going out and the card sessions. Wondering when all this is going to happen again. Truly thanking you guys for all the moments. I know I have already said this to you guys individually, but again- a year or two down the lane, I am sure you will reach heights and my bestest wishes to you three :)

Naveen- Evangeline- Anna, hands down world's best cook :D Eva, cant thank you enough for supporting me you-know- when. And most importantly thanking you for helping me with house hunt in Coventry. I would go ahead and simply say- May all that you both wish, happen in 2015 :)

Jaina- Yaar, last day at Amber rooms, And the night stay overs through the year. I miss cooking for you, hoping we meet up soon!

Ranjit anna - For speaking what you thought was right, irrespective of my point of view. Thank you the talks, calls, help and support. N seekiram ooruku vanga :) Last day Dessert talks, advice at airport, NYE are something's that I would never forget na!

When it comes to UK, two people down here, last definitely not the least.

To both- The dinner at Feast of India, hands down the best conversation ever.

You left before my birthday, didnt you? I know the situation was unavoidable but I missed you so badly. Even if everything was perfect, there was something missing. Probably the way you would have frolicked, jumped up and down, made me lift you- asked me to cook for you, or could be anything. Honestly, I did not cry that much for my farewell as I did for yours. I never knew I could get this attached to anyone, for that matter. But you lil brat, you left me there alone, didnt you? :P With all the situations I mentioned above, you tagged along silently. I am surely not thanking you for anything, don't even expect it :P My year still hasn't got down to that sorrow state. You know what, Ill tell u something. Some good thing for a change. Of all the people I know right now, I respect you a lot. In every single way. There has not been a single moment when I paused and thought how different things would have been if you hadn't left. I miss you. The ridiculously outrageous ways you used to run around while shopping or ensure that my every off weekend is full of plans - I missed you. You remember once I was telling you I wish we both could sit under the night sky and speak our heart out. I wish we could go down to Loughborough to exactly the same place, count the stars at 1 in the night again. Or KFC - grab some onion rings n discuss our mission impossible plans. :P I still remember the night you left. Packing till late night, I was the one with the sullen face and unsaid tears, you were happily heading home. :( Cant believe that was the last time I saw you. Atleast cry a lil bit now :P

You once told me I wouldn't miss you and end up getting new friends. No one is going to replace you.Never.

For all the nights that I cringed and curled up in fright, for just being yourself and making sure I stay focussed at work and taking care of me and on and on and on-- I am not saying the two words :P Have a happy time ahead dear RD! Come down to India soon.

Okay us? I am the one with the loud mouth and loose tongue who goes on blah blahing about every random topic on my head. Where do I even start? Ok, an apology. For a promise that both of us know, I couldnt fulfill, which was way out of my hands, yet I took it as a challenge, made sincere attempts, brought it fine enough for a closure- However it isnt fulfilled at the moment, but soon will be. I very well know you do not hold me responsible for it and probably you have reassured me a million times for it. But I am sorry. 

Good times? For the care, ensuring that I do not end up over thinking and ruining the situation more, ensuring I eat when I'm out, helping me out in every single decision I took. Best times were at the Fountain. Nowhere else. Nothing else comes close to that. Looking back, I know not much was done, but we tried the best. I hope you succeed in your life and love :)

I know I owe a lot to people more than this. For every single one, who stood by me, had faith and trusted- Thanks. For everyone who said Idonot care for relationships- Thank you more. Makes me realise how much you knew about me :)

Coming down to India, irrespective of so many people going off like the disappearing flights, a few did manage to be in contact.

Prem, Prasanna and Satheesh- My best wishes to all three of you for your Masters :) Happy 2015 :)

Kna, Mo and Gg- For making home sound happier :) Thank you! 

Ash- For trusting me. Honestly I wish I could have take you along to UK. Someday definetly. 

Ashfaq- You push the standards where I wanna reach, every single time I meet you. Thank you for sticking by my side. Hope things continue this way in 2015 too :)

Uthra- I know I havent been in India, most part of this year. U needed me and mustve missed me a lot. Sorry for not being around and thank you for virtually living with me :)

Lastly, there were a few things I learnt this year. Jotting these down, as a self- reminder. 

That money is important and earning it is difficult. So spend only on those who matter to you, and more precisely on those who think you matter in their life. Coz turns out mostly, we aren't that important as we think we are. :P

That people are going to hurt. With words and actions. Eventually we all have to remember this. We simply don't remember this and life keeps teaching this simple thing again and again. Ok life, please note - your point is noted. Not again in 2015.

That there are some people who absolutely have nothing else to do than spread misery. From 'Oh, my bathroom floor is wet, why doesnt it dry soon' to 'Oh, I don't think I will live tomorrow.' Such dopes of pessimism I tell you!

That subconsciously, some people think they are the centre of the universe. Every damn thing revolves around them. You end up listening to their stories, when you want to share yours.

That some people might truly want the best for you, yet with the shift in perception- Relationships get tricky. 

That not all relationships are worth the hype. Now, this was an interesting thing. 

That they dont listen to comfort, they listen to judge.

That you are the only one concerned about yourself. Be it anniversary date, birthday or the friday that you wanted to hang out, or any event. The biggest thing I learnt was do not wait for people. If you want to make a moment special, take it and make it. Absolutely no one is going to save you in your life. Be it the extra bag you carry during shopping to wishing you had company for all major things. 

And honestly, as some people rightly pointed out over my face - 'We do not bother about you anymore.'

Lastly, that Growing up Sucks. :P

For all the people who broke me down in little ways, God bless you. Not being the goody goody girl, but honestly, how would you even understand how much it hurt unless you fit into my shoes?! 

Growing up you realise that there is no point in saying 'I will always be there for you' even if you momentarily mean it in a sincere tone. So I am not saying that in a wrap-up-note. Well, The Truth? We are going to grow far apart. The equations are going to change. I might exactly speak your mind to make you happy, but still are going to be pissed  off cuz your best friend knows you, but your girl friend failed. 

Dear people,

I can just be myself and try to make your life better. I cant fill up for all the vacancies in your life, and you end up replacing me when you find a soul for every single one. 

Sincerely,

Please-understand-everyone-has-a-life-to-live. Its just not about you!

As far as I am concerned, pretty much right now, everything has shrunk to just a very small circle of people about their thoughts and lifes. The kind of people whom I know want the best for me, even if they are that damn far apart physically. The kind of people who bring out the best in me.

To everyone outside, hope you find your circle too. 

And to all of my friends, acquaintances and literally everyone whom I know-

I hope you step closer to your dreams. I hope you find your soul mate. Most importantly, I hope happiness and peace reigns in your life.

Wishing you all a very prosperous 2015!!!

Loads of Love,

Swathi I

I hope its just not the end,

For the heart that bleeds never speaks,

Its just so low and never leaks,

The one that wounds it lies so strong,

The one that is wounded feels so wrong,

The heart that bleeds has a frown,

The heart that bled it wears a crown.

Oh, is it even so fair to be bled,

After all the tears that I shed,

I thought things would go red,

But right now I feel so dead.

Mending into the mystical mood,

Finding things to feel good,

Walking around the vintage woods,

Wearing an emotional hood.

'Are the miles to be traversed alone?'

I asked with a faint groan.

To my princess I would've flown.

But now, my dreams are totally blown.

How would I ever tell you what I felt,

How would ever know how I melt,

The faint smile of yours made me welt,

Your heart is where I would have dwelt.

Yet you toss me like a trash.

And I fell down with a loud crash.

And sustained with a few rash.

But the heart that bleeds knows no rhyme.

It just sings along in the sands of time.

Hoping that someone will pick up the pieces

And remove those intricate creases.

And make it work hale and fine,

And making it glitter in all shine!!

First of all, Let me tell you one thing, passion must be above fear for any person, and in any field. Like any girl can even fear even from being a software engineer, "OMG! IF my system shuts down automatically, all are going to look at me!" It is the same with us, if we aren't able to put the effort to pull off any mechanical task, we'll be mocked. The 'we' I mean is the mechie and auto girls. One has to get over this fear, which is very difficult frankly, That too knowing that you would be the only girl, with the reluctance and hesitation in mind, it is even more difficult. Oh and that too, needless to say first day in college all of us are nervous, and first day and only girl for four years- Hell no!

Secondly, yes, no clean chit record of mine. Got hurt a lot. My parents used to send me bandage every semester to hostel!! One sees the potential to get hurt, but never sees how much you can learn from it. Granted there is a possiblity that you slip while you walk, does that mean you quit walking because of the fear?! No. And let me tell you one more thing, you might be the only girl, but there are going to be persons with you- Men. Seeing you bleed with a cut, they wouldn't scream and say 'Hey we knew girls aren't fit!' They help you more than anyone. They would understand and be by your side, professionally. And again, the toughest tasks in mechanical are always team work. Stop imaging like a whole optimus prime is given to you for dismantling!! Even if you dismantle a small differential unit or any component for that matter, you would need help no matter whether it is a guy or girl. You learn along with men, they aren't geniuses either, You learn together.

People never think about the respect you earn, while you overcome every small obstacle that comes your way, especially from your co-workers. At the end of the day, it encourages you even more to go ahead in doing what you want to do. Nobody speaks about this. I don't understand how earning money has become more than this- you speak about the job prospects of women, not how much they are respected. It actually makes you feel good, when your team mates/ colleagues tell you that not everyone would follow the path you chose and they are proud knowing you. I still cherish the moments when I got such appreciation. :)

Oh and the perception that you need to be physically tough to be in mechanical is also not true. Agreed that if you are strong you can be better at handling tough things/equipments, but not necessary always. Even if you aren't able to, you could always ask for help. It just requires your asking. 

True that, some of the co-workers also feel that the female counterparts are being given undue advantage because of their gender. They don't have to wait for anything, they are given 'special attention'. You guys have no idea how much we gave up for being in there. Stop complicating things. It happens in every department, just because one women takes advantage of that,doesn't mean all of us are such. There are people(women) whom I met, who are so much more than their counterparts at work. Give them the credit, when you know they deserve it.

One other primary reason why women don't prefer mechanical engineering is Menstrual cycle. It is tough handling the pain at times. And heavy physical work might complicate it, but how often are we going to run away saying this. Women have entered all professions, which are more physically laborious than this and they are fine. If they can do, why can't you?

Society- I do not even say about the external world. Even the other people at college, your batch mates -look at you as if you are from alien land. Those looks you get as they stare at you in labs or cafeterias with a gang of guys, ranges from envy to disgust to respect to anger to what-not. Name it and I'll tell you how I got it! 

It is rare that they show immediate respect, some might not even give in the long run. The newly running stupid thought about women being in mechanical to spend time with men and such stuff. Oh and don't tell me I'm spinning bullshit. Five years now, still remember how I heard this for first time. Clearing the air, I would confess we go for work, never anything more than that. Such thoughts make women, think again about her choice. 

One of the most common reasons why women avoid mechanical engineering is this- what would my life partner think of me when he knows I studied with so many guys? I do not want to go about relationships in here - but just one question- If he isn't even able to see your passion for work, then how good is he as a life partner? How long are you going to change your interests to appeal someone who has or is yet to come in your life?

Support from parents is also rare. All daughters are daddy's princess- nobody would want to send their girl child to a place where she would be alone with new people of the opposite gender (Atleast at the start of college). There is a subtle instilled fear, trust must come to rescue.

Definitely no, and in fact I guess even the others would agree to it at some point of time. Engineering is a popular choice frankly. This popularity which should have been a boon, became a bane. Lots of people opt for engineering at the end of schooling leading to increase in the number of engineers overall. Rightly pointed out, they end up in IT sector and criticise that engineering didn't give them the right jobs. 

Agreed, but was engineering your cue card?

This reminds me of my photography skills.  I don't take  a proper snap even with my galaxy series phone. How would it be if I said none should take up photography because it ruins one's life. That's madness, ain't it? Right then stop badmouthing engineering too. It is my passion. Saying that it would ruin people's life, is hurting my belief. Look and I don't look at photographers and badmouth photography. I respect them because they can do stuffs that I simply can't. Can't we expect the same in return?

And you know what? Anywhere except India, say that you are an engineer. People would look at you with such respect. That respect is because they know the fact that Indians are good at mathematics and engineering needs maths. The reputation stands true when you see the pool of scientists and researchers all over the world.

In the right institutions, you do see people like they show in TV shows. The nerds, who do coding, sketch vehicles, cry in frustration when their ideas fail, laugh in happiness when they get their outputs, who brag about the articles read on the internet. Lastly, who visualise a world, that is way beyond the understanding of a non-science person. In the right places who can see people 'play' with science. In the right places.

Lastly, Engineering is NOT a scapegoat! Be one or don't be, we don't have to beg anyone for this profession, we have surplus, thanks.  But please do not bad mouth Engineering. Our work is our religion, we worship it.

So, ever since I came over to UK, my blog has become literally dead. I thought I would just give it a jolt today.

What makes one move ahead in life, is of course, the urge to live. The urge to live for someone or the urge to live in order to see your dreams come true. The urge with the hope that tomorrow turns out to be better than yesterday. So, again this post is purely for those who want to or already had studied abroad. For those who want to, this might give you an idea, for those who already have this might bring back memories.

Post is again on the assumption that the individual has never stayed out of home. :)

1. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN

Needless to say, we never realize how quickly we grow up.  'You are on your own' means more than what you think. You have to sort out when you need to go to bank, when you have to work on the deadlines, when you have to get the groceries, when you have to do the laundry or when you have to clean your room.

There is evolution in self at this stage. With every little step you make, you define your personality. For instance, you cook everyday at the same time- people judge your punctuality. You keep cleaning your room - people assume you like to be clean.

2. YOU NEED TO GET UP WHEN YOU FALL.

The person living with you isn't your blood relation. The person studying with you is just another professional contact. It isn't like your first day at college. Rarely does one find a friend from school till UG to Masters. If you have one who knows what you have gone through and would provide you the 'shoulder to cry upon' then blessed you are!

But not always can you explain why you feel sad, even if you do bond well. You need to wipe your own tears and basically, pull yourself together. Emotionally, physically, financially or health-wise: No matter how you feel bad, you will have to pull yourself together.

If you have decided that nothing affects you and the above said will never happen to you, then hold on a second.

3. YOU WILL THINK TWICE ABOUT YOUR SKILLS

People who generally pursue masters are good at work or want to be good at work. You might have been a topper all through your life- at school, at college, everywhere. You would have never thought about being anything else than first. But you will fall back, may be an initial back lag, may be a fatal blow!

But it all depends on you. You need to trust yourself. Ask help from the same field at one point of time you would hear the comment :'With the basics taught in our country, masters would be tough.' Im not saying specific to India, any country for that instance. Some students feel uncomfortable with maths, some have language problems- everyone has their ifs and buts. But trust me, you are better than what you think.

You need to realise your flaws and work on them as soon as possible.  Bridge the gap between the institution's expectations and your own skills.

And on a personal note, I would like to add this. Its not that you don't know to do it. Its just that you never thought it could be done in that way. Its just a shift of perception.

4.'WHAT NEXT?!'

This question would pop up on the day you start your masters. Its not a 'sit back and relax' situation in masters. You have to analyse what next- Doctorate? Job at home? Job in here? and of course, work accordingly. Have a map of options and their probability. 

And please bear in mind, not to let anyone influence your decision. Yes, if you go back home searching for a job, then someone would taunt you saying that you have wasted a whole chunk of money. Bear in mind that there are people out there in crowd who have 'bought' seats and study. Spending on living and paying your fee in educational institution can never be a waste investment. Your skill set is entirely yours. Nobody can steal or deny that.

5. IDENTIFY YOUR FINANCIAL STATUS!!!

Most students end up making this mistake. Even if you are rich in India, you cannot be the same way abroad. Its just the same saturday and sunday, that ends up being everyone's weekend. Now its up to you to decide you financial status and see if you are rich enough to eat out, party and travel or should you be doing a part time job. Plan your work and money. Don't end up being impulsive spendthrift and regret later.

6. LEARN ETIQUETTES: WHEN IN ROME, BE A ROMAN.

A part of it is same as that of first point. You might live in a shared accommodation, ensure you do your part. Contribute to the activities at home be it cleaning or cooking. Remember that they might not matter to you, but the days you spend with them are also a part of your life.

This responsibility comes over to your work too. You will meet a lot of people.  Probably your professors old student who is now a manager, or some people from your industry, or may be you will have to go to places to meet people: Whatever it is, learn the basic etiquettes. Most of communication takes place over mail, so one should have good skills and clarity while writing a mail. Communication skills should be very good. Remember that every little act of your's is important. Be it enthusiasm or frustration- there are people around you judging you with that. Every ounce, counts!!  

Also, listen before you speak. The conversation might be a very formal one.You will have to be as polite as possible and appropriate vocabulary should come in effortlessly. Note the way people speak and learn from your surroundings. Learn every small thing- body language, dressing sense, table manners, transportation, language and so on. 

7. EXPERIENCE THE BEST OF THE PLACE

Be it their culture or fashion or places to visit or their beliefs- try to be a part of it. You dont have to give up your beliefs to experience theirs. You just have to be curious and willing to see things the way it is shown. 

Also think twice before speaking about your country. You might not like some of the things back at home, but it never is necessary to express the same displeasure. You got to back your home.

Lastly, passion is very important. Understandable that there are lot of pros and cons for the idea of 'Masters in abroad' , but try visualising the bigger picture. At the end of the day even if you don't have anyone for you, you still will have your passion. Always. 

And your choices define you. Its completely up to you, to choose how you want to be.

Regards,

Swathi :)

I had been missing this weather, the warmth seemed to burn out all the stress inside. I was basking in the light, seemed like a distant dream.

It had been three long years since I stepped into this city, I missed my city to bits. Ah, but there is your work that takes you to places :) 

Once I closed my eyes, there was a fast slideshow of all the moments that passed by, my college life, my family and him.

The voice still ringed my ears as I was trying hard not to think. I shook my head hard 'Is it really you?' 

Opening my eyes, I knew he was there. It wasn't my dream. 

A smile broadening as he looked at me, that was so perfect that no one would see it as fake. One look at him, I knew he still was the same.

Nothing had changed since that day, Absolutely nothing.

'Hi, How are you?' I asked, trying to make it as casual as possible

'Very good. how are you?'

'Good'

Problem is not with these questions, problem is how you proceed next after these questions. 

I was hoping he would speak up or I would leave then. There are these situations in life, one move one word, would bring everything back or hurt more than the first time. 

'In a hurry?' he asked, nervously playing with his hair. 

'Yes, yes' is what I wanted to scream- but 'no' is what blurted.

'Walk?' He still didn't leave his habit of one-word-conversations. 

'Yeah, fine.'

It was almost ten minutes,I think we were mentally playing around to decide who would be the ice-breaker. The whooshing sound of air, chirping of birds everything seem to be adding life to the scene, except that his voice would defiantly be the best of all. The best thing that could bring life to the scenario.

'How have you been?'he asked.

'Good. Moving about places. Meeting people. How about you?'

'Same.'

Should I ask him- I was battling in my head. Once I did, it hurt him more than anything. Nevertheless I did.

'How is she?' I asked.

 He stared at me, the same cold stare that hurt me four years ago. 'Can we sit down?' , he said to which I nodded.

On the soft grass I finally sat, seemed like the burden of my heart was put by my side. 

Suddenly the always silent guy, came back to life. ' She is very fine. Things are well between us, thinking of getting married this year and moving closer to south. She likes the sea, So I think its best we live there. You remember those earrings I saw at the store? She loved it. I gave them...'

He went on and on. I knew very well he was making it all up. 

I had been silent for long. Four years ago I should have done this, I regretted very badly. 'Shut up.' I said in a platonic tone.

He stopped abruptly. 'What?' he said.

I spoke clearly and slowly, stressing every word that I spoke. 'Just whom are you trying to convince, yourself or me?'

'I don't get you?'

I had had enough. 'Look, you might not have loved me. I did and I still do. I know every move of yours. How hard do you think it is for me to see beyond your lies? I know very well this is just a let out of your imaginations, none in real.'

He interrupted my volley of words. 'It is true.'

I broke him down before he could go on. 'It isn't. It wasn't true even when you said four years ago, and neither today. You said you were in a relationship, I knew you weren't. She never was yours. All of us tried to take you out of it. But you never were ready to accept it. You ended up hurting the girl who loved you the most, for someone you thought was important.'

'But....' he started.

'Let me finish. I will tell you what. Yes, I respected your feelings. I thought I should never hurt you. But you can't blow an air bubble and live in it thinking it is all truth. At some point someone has to some over burst it and tell you that its not so, so that you move on. I think even if it was rude, I should have slapped you four years ago and told you on your face that your 'so-called' relationship was over.' 

'It wasn't a relationship... It was..'

'See? You still live in that bubble. You know what? I feel very sorry for you. There are million ways people find happiness, but it all begins with the willingness to see things even if it isn't what you want to see. You wouldn't still accept it, would you? I'll send you the best wedding designers list then. Let me see how she marries you in a year.' I challenged him openly and stopped at that point. He dared not to open up, his game was up. 

The momentary silence in the air no longer echoed the whirlpool of emotions that we both were experiencing at that time.

I broke into tears ' I would have done anything for you, if you had given me a chance. I begged you, I pleaded you to let go of past. I promised you I would replace the memories. I promised you that the future would be so much better than the past, but you wouldn't let it be. You simply would go back to her, so that she could hurt you, but you wouldnt give me a chance to see if it worked. You adored me, but still let me go.'

I wiped my tears, they never seemed to make a difference to anyone.

'Past no matter how tormenting it is should be accepted first. That's what moving on is all about. And what is the point in loving someone, when the love becomes the cause for pain. Agreed that relationships are painful. But it should be worth the pain, ain't it? She is happy in her life, you are pining for her. And you call this a relationship?'

I stood up. 'Be happy in your relationship then. I will surely meet you four years later at the same place. Then tell me the same story, I'll nod and walk away.Cause I think I deserve only this. '
I let out a small laugh. 'Since ages I was trying hard to see what our relationship is. Now,I understand. This is our relationship'

I wiped the last tear. 'I only hope some girl if not me, has the real way to make you feel loved again. I miserably failed. Take care.'

I walked ahead. ' Wait' he said.

'I'll come along.' 

He walked by my side. 'Send me the wedding designers list. I might need them very soon.'